And Spike could’ve sired countless others and buried them around town. And we’re waiting for him to do what, exactly? Do something crazy?

season seven  >  never leave me

Know what we've realized? We here at b&bt have completely strayed from our mission statement. What was it we promised you with our recaps? In-depth analyzation? Witty comments on key plot points? Fashion breakdowns?

No. What we promised you was a lack of content, something we've been sorely missing around here. Now, in the spirit of the spirit of this site and our inherent slackeriness, we present to you the content-lacking recap of Never Leave Me.

[First, let's just come right out with it. They're the bringers from Amends. We were in denial. We're bitter. We won't dwell. Much. -SP]

First off [second now! hee!], the title apparently comes from the song that triggered Spike. Didn't know this, didn't care, but I thought you possibly might.

Second [ha, I got your count so off], I don't know why everyone's hatin' on Andrew. So he killed Jonathon. So what? He felt real bad about it. And besides, little Mr. Innocent Lamb could've avoided all of this by turning himself into Buffy mid-season last year. What, he was still hurting from her turning him down at prom time? Whatever, man, get over it.

So, anyway, Andrew killed Jonathon but there wasn't enough blood to open the seal. Presumably because Jonathon was short and anemic. And let this be a lesson to all you hiding your anemicism. Cop to the truth now, and it may just save you from being a human sacrifice later. This is a valuable lesson to learn. Andrew, whining like a little bitch, tells not!Warren (and let it be noted here that I despise the First. Hate it. Dislike it intensely. Find it insanely stupid. Therefore, I refuse to ever refer to the BB as the First. Please see reasons previously listed.) he can't kill anymore and since not!Warren't ass is not corporeal, and he can't smack the geek down himself, he tricks him into trying to kill a pig and then plots his demise. All while Andrew's wearing a long leather jacket. And they now officially kill our "evil wears leather, and it wears it well" credo. Fuckers.

It’s kinda like when I used to get ulcers in high school, only at the end I became one with light and hope.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, for some unknown reason Buffy has tied insane-in-the-membrane Spike up to a WOODEN chair with ROPE in her BEDROOM. We know Buffy's got chains, people. We know she's got a dark, dank basement. We even know she's got handcuffs in a pinch, for fuck's sake. Yet, no. We choose rope. And a wooden chair. God speed to your next death, Buffy. May it be as fun and fulfilling as your first two.

Warren killed Tara. I didn’t do it. And he was aiming for Buffy anyway.

So, a breakdown:

Buffy's fine, and is dealing with the non-trauma of dealing with crazy, detoxing Spike. Because she has to hang out alone with him a lot and ask questions we know damn well he's not going to answer.

Willow is being supporto-gal, (because really, what choice does she have? It's that or not be in this episode.) and goes to get blood for the getting-off-the-smack Spike, since Buffy won't let her kill Anya.

Anya wants to kill Spike, because that's what "they" do in these sitches. ( Just like they killed you when you were evil, right Anya? Pot. Kettle. Black. [I thought she was being snarky about Buffy stabbing her in the chest when she went off and killed people, when Buffy obviously isn't planning to do the same to Spike even though he seemed to have way more people buried in that basement - not to mention Holden and that chick from the bronze - than there were heart-ripped-out frat boys. -SP] )

Xander is being all manly and fixing things. He is wearing a toolbelt. I feel this is important. I really like toolbelts.

Dawn is, I think, hanging around and whining. Also looking serious and distraught quite a bit of the time.

Spike is just sort of hanging out, ya know? Craving some smack, telling Buffy he can't remember most things cuz he's been blacking out and thought it was because of the soul because souls apparently make you black out and being an all around sweet guy by defining being in love with her as the ultimate source of all pain.

Can we please just have him evil again? If I wanted to see a mopey Buffy and a whiny souled vampire I'd watch Season one, two or three again. C'mon you great poof, find your flippin' spine again already. Holy hell, Batman. I think we've got a new contestant for dumbass of the year. (Please note: there should be no worry that Spike will ever replace Angel as the greatest dumbass of them all. Angel, gentle readers, will always have that special place in the dark pit of my soul.)

While Willow was at the butcher shop, by the way, she picked up an Andrew along with her 8 quarts or so of pig's blood. (Ten bucks says she forgot the wheatibix, the unthoughtful she-witch.) They bumped into each other, see, and then they sort of really slowly chased each other outside, and there was a confrontation, and then Willow tried to act all threatening. Andrew, also being in the running for dumbass of the year, fell for it. But, then, he believed evil not!Warren when not!Warren told him they could open the seal with pig's blood. And hey, does anyone else want to know what not!Warren told him the seal was for? No one? Just me? It's just me then? Well alrighty.

No… you gotta… you gotta corner it. Stay between it and the hall or it— that’s the worst attempted pig slaughtering I’ve ever seen.

We are still masters of our fate, still captains of our souls.

So bitch!Andrew's their prisoner. Anya and Xander play good cop/bad cop, Anya beats up Andrew and the big sissy starts spilling after a little punch or two. I swear, if you can't handle the interrogation before the whips and chains come out, you really should look into other careers not involving the job description "being evil. Like, really evil. And, like, tough. Ability to plot real well a plus. Guys with magic flutes who are able to train flying monkeys to attack crappy high school productions of Romeo and Juliet encouraged to apply" on the application.

No, you were great! And I wasn’t sure if I should slap him but then he made me want to slap him so I thought, okay, slap him!

Sadly, for me, when Buffy goes check on Anya beating on Andrew, not!Spike shows up. Not!Spike, of course, makes stupid!Spike go all sleeper-kill-machine [bad songs can do that to a person, you know.]. So he busts out, the Buffster is *gasp*shock*surprise* caught off guard, and Spike breaks through the bedroom wall and pulls Andrew through. He then nuzzles Andrew's neck until Buffy pulls him off and kicks him in the face.

Maybe it’s another musical. A much crappier musical.

I can see why he loves her. And why he's still alive.

NOW Buffy chains his unconscious ass up in the basement. They talk. I am bored. I rather suspect SP is bored too [yep]. Spike's says kill me, I'm a bad ass, wanna hear how? Buffy, instead, gives him some smarmy crap about believing in him. I gag and go in search of some protein to counteract all this sugar.

Thankfully, the lights go out, the stupid Bringers barge in and ass is kicked all around. Of course, this being an attack on Buffy it means it's not an attack on Buffy, a lesson she should have learned in FREAKING SEASON TWO, and while Buffy's saving stupid Andrew's life the Bringers knock everyone else out, INSTEAD OF KILLING THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE EVIL AND KILLING EVERYONE ELSE SO NATURALLY THEY WOULD LEAVE THE ACTUAL SLAYER AND HER BROOD ALIVE, then steal Spike. [Don't forget about how Xander was all brave and totally saved Dawn's life. Just like he always saves everyone.]

Can they keep him? Can they keep him?

Buffy announces that it is the enemy I refuse to name, then we see Spike being carved and tied to a wheel thingy and not!Spike talking stupid villain talk. They bleed Spike, not!Buffy says she prefers to bleed Spike over Andrew because Spike's cuter with his shirt off which I would argue with, only I'm kind of confused and want to know when not!Buffy saw Andrew with his shirt off.

No. I don't.

And the kicker to this whole episode? The seal? When opened? Let's out a vampire. A pure one, I assume, but one that looks like they raided the make up trailer of Nosferatu.

Oh, and Principal Wood walks straight to Jonathon's body on the seal and takes him away to bury him. [By the light of his car, for anyone who needs a tip on how to see well enough to dig a big whole to bury someone when it's peskily too dark to see, btw.]

Also, we do not find out what the hell happened to Giles already, which is all we really wanted to know in the first place, but the watcher's council goes boom, so presumably Quentin is finally dead. It's about freakin' time.

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