Thanks for clearing that up. 'Cause otherwise we might have thought you were up to no good here at the satanic manhole cover.

season seven  >  bring on the night

This week on Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Buffy gets her ass kicked. Hard.

The Neanderthalish Ubervamp shows off his mad karate skillz.

The Neanderthalish Ubervamp apparently does not believe in actually killing the Slayer.

Buffy wears heels to a fight.

Some Slayers-in-Training show up. They whine.

Giles shows up too. He acts weird. We miss his horse.

Anya throws water at Andrew. Dawn gets to slap him.

Xander jokes inappropriately.

One of the stupid Slayers-in-Training gets killed. It's real sad. I s’pose.

And there’s your recap folks! Hidey ho, and good night!

Wait, what, SP? That’s not enough? Bah.

Fine. There’s more, but only because I have a rant saved up, I tell you what.

And what, you ask, do I wish to rant about? No, not SMG’s performance, I actually found her to be quite effective in her “just got beat to hell” make up with her rousing speech and whatnot. And no, not Giles’ behavior. I’ve learned over the years to not really take character’s behavior to heart. The writers don’t, so why should I? No, what I wish to rant about folks, and feel free to join in, is the little subject of the Slayers-in-Training.

I know the series doesn’t follow the movie. I know this. But, seriously? The movie had the whole Slayer thing down so much cooler. As the movie insinuated, the Slayer was reborn every time. Which, really, makes her not dying so much more important, because if she dies, the world has to wait another 14 years or so until they have someone to protect them again. (You remember, one actual girl a generation?) And that’s if her reincarnated Watcher gets lucky. I mean, there’s all the finding, the training, the convincing…and now, what? They pick up a bunch of girls—and they’ve never explained HOW they know these girls are possible slayers—and train them in case they’re called. And what if they’re not called? What then? At what age do they say “okay, toodles. Twas fun. You may go back to the family we ostracized you from. Pip pip. Cheerio.”? Does anyone have a satisfactory explanation for me here?

And Buffy, bless her bitter, trampled on soul, said that the plan was for the First to stamp out the slayer line. Excuse me? Who’s to say the girls they have are the only potential slayers? Buffy wasn’t a SIT. Buffy was a California wanna-be Valley girl that had been called lord knows how long before those slackers found her. So why would killing all the SITs, then Faith, then Buffy, kill off the slayer line? Is there something special about these girls that are chosen? Is it not a random, cosmic joke of immensely dark proportions? Cuz, if not, I want it fucking explained. Thanks.

It irks me! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRKS me. Because, even if they killed off all the little twits, wouldn’t that horrid plot device, TPTB, just pick some other, untrained little lass? And since she’d get the dreams and superstrength and stuff, maybe she’d sort of figure it out? Buffy did in Tabula Rasa. And if TPTB had a brain or anything, they could even pick someone who knows about these things—like the relative of a dead Watcher or something. Or, hey, bring over that useless Justine from Angel. She’s already stronger than Buffy anyway, give her something to do. Oh, is she too old? Well, gee, we DON’T know. Because they haven’t told us? Nah, I rather suspect it has more to do with the fact that the writers don’t know. Pfft.

Still want a recap? Perhaps SP should take over those duties, eh? I need to have a drink.

Right. Although I don't know that I'll do much better because what ST said. Seriously. The First Evil is going to squash out the slayer line? First of all, what the hell does the First care about the vampire slayer? Being the first evil and all, wouldn't it think bigger than just the enemy of one little portion of the whole evil army? And if they kill all the potentials and then the slayer, the whole slayer essence thing dies out? In what reality does that make sense? I thought the slayer essence was beyond that and could just hop into any 'ole girl it wanted. So if all the potentials die, and the slayer dies, wouldn't the power just take a look around the rest of the girl population and pick someone else? I mean, she wouldn't even need to be like a good fighter or anything. She could even be some valley girl who likes sucking on popsicles and snagging lipstick at Nordstrom's. Or a hard-core biker chick with street skills, if the essence wants to try something new.

But ST was asking me to do a recap while she was off drinking, not continue her rant, right? Alrighty then.

Xander's in his toolbelt again, which I know ST likes, so I can't believe she missed it in that detailed recap. He's fixing the windows again. The ones that those damn bringers (dammit) demolished just after Xander fixed them due to that evil Joyce's party with Dawn. He's bitter. But he looks damn good in that toolbelt.

Moving on.

Buffy has the gang searching out the First. Since she remembers the bringers from when Angel got saved by the snow. Remember that? Yeah, thanks ME. Now we remember it too. We had repressed it just fine 'til now. No one can find anything about the First. Doesn't exist. No records. Later in the episode, we learn that this is because the First has existed since before written history and hasn't done much since the whole writing thing was invented. Right, except for pop up and try to get Angel to kill himself. Because that's what you want to wake up from a long winter's nap for. Whatever.

Anyway, wasn't it convenient that Giles was able to find out all that information about the First back in Amends, like who it was, and who the bringers were, and that nothing grows above or beneath them, blah blah bity blah, that was so helpful too bad the First only had written history in the third season.

Moving on.

Andrew is apparently still passed out from Spike's whole suckfest and Dawn thinks slapping might help. It does, if she was looking to pass the time and to get some violence in on an otherwise boring day.

Man, this place gives me the creeps. It's like in Wonder Woman, issue 297-299.

At some point, Andrew wakes up and tells them about the whole seal under the school. They rush over (not to find the bad guys and kick their asses, but to see if they can rescue Spike, if you can possibly believe it) and somehow in the mad dash, Dawn finds time to hot curler her hair! Seriously, it goes from regular-and-straight to ready-for-clubbing-with-twisty-curls in seconds! I so need to see that infomercial where she ordered whatever did that.

Moving... Oh, you know what I mean.

They don't find anything except the principal with a shovel, who eyes their shovels and after they eye each other some more, they all go home.

Hello people of the future, kids today like Red Bull and Jackass!

In the obligatory scene that explains why Willow-the-great-connected-to-everything-big-magic-witch-person can't make it all better, she tries to do a locator spell and gets sucked into the dark side. Xander saves the day freakin' again and smashes the bowel of fragrant magic spice before the First gets all wild and crazy.

Buffy decides to go flail about aimlessly, and then Giles shows up! Giles! On a horse! OK, maybe not, but it's Giles! Except it's some weird fakey Giles who is like the freakish Gilesbot who decided he should leave Buffy just after she got yanked out of heaven so she could learn how to take care of her made-up sister on her own and so he could go party back in England, only more so. As in, he just piles all this guilt and responsibility on Buffy and doesn't have any of that Giles-y support and sexy knowledge that we know and love. If only he were on a horse, I could overlook it.

A big theme of this whole episode is that Buffy hasn't slept in days and days. She's rushing around, the weight of the world (hey, they did that one already!) on her shoulders, and she's all beat up, but she can't stop, because everyone is counting on her. It's a thing. Anyway, she develops narcolepsy at random times and just falls right asleep and talks to her mom. I hope this isn't going to become a whole quirky sideplot, with the heroine falling asleep to get advice from mom. The mom advice is pretty crappy anyway. It's full of stuff like "evil's in all of us. How can you fight that?" I knew Joyce was evil!

Oh, another thing that we flash in and out of during this episode is the First torturing Spike. Now, with Angel, the First tortured him with ghosts of all his victims, which as we all recall, drove him right to that bright sunny snow. With Spike, the First is torturing him with, well, drowning. Because since vampires need to breathe and all, they can't last underwater long. Well, except that whole time Angel hung out in a box at the bottom of the ocean for three months. And that time that Angel couldn't resuscitate Buffy because he had no breath, and hey... wait a minute! Maybe it's only Angel who has no breath! It's suddenly making sense now!

Mov.... Forget it.

So, Giles brings these bitchy potential slayers with him. The ones who apparently managed to avoid getting all stabbed. Buffy was all dude! I saw all that stabbing in my dreams. But, then I just looked out the window and then went back to sleep. Oops. Right, so they're not to happy with Buffy.

Everyone figures out sleeping arrangements except Buffy, who as we know from the no sleep theme, can't sleep or she'll ruin the plot. Kennedy, one of the potentials, takes this opportunity to hit on Willow. Willow says, hey, that's inappropriate! Here in Sunnydale we never think about sex when we're facing certain death. Well, OK except that one time. And then, that other time. And then... but, never mind all that.

Giles and Buffy head out to where Buffy met up with the First last time, and do we need another freaking reminder of the magic snow of salvation? Anyway, Buffy falls down into the big hole that she hacked with an axe last time and Giles just stands around watching. She gets into a fight with the lame-o vamp that the First raised from the seal and is that the thing that Jonathan had to be sacrificed for? That? Jonathan was worth so much more than that... that...

Moving on.

Buffy gets her ass kicked by the big vamp thing and Giles... just stands around watching. Buffy tries to claw her way out of the whole and Giles grabs her hands and helps pull her out -- I mean, he just stands around watching. She falls back into the hole. She finally gets out and she says, thanks dude, remember way back when I told you I couldn't do it alone? Well, obviously that's all of the past. Or possibly she just thought that part. Or maybe that was just me.

Giles says that the big vamp is some prehistoric myth vampire that he didn't know was still around, but he doesn't mention how to kill it, so he's not actually all that helpful. See how he's not the hot and sexy Giles we all know and love? Giles? Where's your horse? Dammit.

Then Buffy goes to school to counsel some kids, because that's what you do when you have to save the world and stuff. The principal thinks they're still playing the let's-look-at-each-other-suspiciously game. And I don't even know if I care what his deal is. He's obviously not hanging with the First, since he's all "I love a good mystery", so I suppose he's all good and thinks Buffy is evil. Hey, maybe later he'll kill her because he thinks she's the big bad and it's all a big misunderstanding and they all laugh about it later. Except Buffy, of course, who would be dead and all.

Later that night, they're all hiding at Buffy's, because it's the new library don't you know. I mean, because they figure Buffy can protect them or something. Except one of the girls (hint: the stupid one) runs away because she's scared. In other words, she leaves the fairly safe boarded up house with all the weapons, the expert fighters, and the fuckin' chosen one, to run the dark scary streets by herself. Obviously, the lame-o vamp kills her. Buffy comes looking for her and has the longest, most boring fight scene ever with the lamedylame vamp. I won't bore you with the details other than Buffy gets her ass kicked (again) and although Giles thinks she might have internal bleeding, no one thinks of taking her to the hospital or anything.

Back at the new library, only without books, Giles rallies the troops by telling them he doesn't know if they can fight the First. Buffy crawls in from her internal bleeding and gives some rah rah speech about how they're stronger than evil and she's going to kill it. Since it worked so well with the First's minion she just met up with.

So how long have you followed Buffy? She seems like she'd be a good leader. Her hair is shiny... Does she make you stab things?

And everyone stares at her like the loon she is and runs far away. In a Winnebago. Except this time they get one that goes more than 10 miles an hour and can outrun horses. And they get flamethrowers so they can actually take out this lame-ass vamp. Or maybe that last part's the next episode. ST's rant threw me off.

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