season two   >   lie to me

Buffy the Vampire Slayer has brought us many things, but above all, it's always taught us those tough lessons about life.  Never shirking from the harshness of the real world, hidden within its Technicolor hour are lessons one can use every day in life, love, demon hunting and fashion.  Sometimes, caught up in all the glory of the witty banter and the dodging of anvils, we forget to sit back and reflect on the important lessons each episode teaches us.  To make up for this horrible oversight, I would like to present the lessons first, the plot last.   I think you will thank me later.

Lessons learned, morals revealed

1. Never trust a man who wears sweater vests.

2. Always put your bras away.  Leaving them on the bed is just asking for a boy to come over.

3. White go-go boots are never, ever called for.

4. One should never use a secret identity to impress cute boys.  They're probably evil anyway.

5. Wearing a blue, shiny cape only sets you up for mockage and heartache.

6. If you're going to pretend to stake a vamp, make bloody sure they don't run into the Slayer later.

7. When running away and joining a vampire cult, take care in choosing your new name.  Naming yourself after a fungus just ain't cool.

8. If you try to sell an old friend's life, then have your friend's arch enemy turn you into a vampire, ensure that the arch enemy takes your body.  Otherwise, you know, you're going to feel pretty fucking silly being staked right out of the gate.

9. Blue eye shadow is never called for either.

10. The world is not black and white. Sometimes it's white and shades of "I have brain tumors, so to save myself I'm going to kill you and everybody in this club."

Suck This is still rather damaged from the Roswell experience, as evidenced by her violent reaction to Jason Behr being on screen.  Some things are better left buried.

I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort.

And now, the recap:

Boys are stupid.  We all know this.  Angel, especially, is an idiot.  He takes a midnight stroll, runs into Drusilla (who is very effectively creeping out a young boy) and lets her get away.  Not only does he not stake her, which would really be better than making her live with the dementia he forced her into, but Buffy sees him talking to her and when questioned by Buffy, lies.  Now, men, let's just go over this.  When your girlfriend is being moody and seems bitterer than usual and begins questioning you about what you did the night before, lying will only hurt you more.  Seriously.  Because she already knows, dumb ass.  And if she's asking politely yet seethingly asking, and you say "nothing" and she responds with "nothing.  You sat at home and read a book" (whatever the fuck the quote is), and you once again respond with "nothing" (or whatever he says), your ass is grass.  Thanks for playing, buh bye.  Yep.

So, as you may or may not have ascertained from the above, Angel lied to Buffy.  Buffy, unhappy with her undead boyfriend chatting up a nice, perverse young lady, heads into high moping mode.  Xander does his traditional "yay! Angel fucked up" happy dance.  Willow does her traditional "oh, Buffy, I'm sure it's not what you thought it was" dance.  Giles, happily, does not dance, for he is not there.  He's busy flirting with Janna Kalendash.  (We should've known she was an evil gypsy.  Who the fuck takes the Taster's Choice guy to Monster Trucks?  That's right, evil gypsies do.)  Just as Buffy is hitting critical freak out mass, Ford shows up and rudely interrupts Xander.  Bastard.  We should have known he was evil.  Oh, he's evil.  Check out the sweater vest.

Uh, Angel, if I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me?

We skip through some "cute" banter about Buffy crushing on Ford in 5th grade and I am filled with nostalgia at the mention of the Divinyls' "I touch myself."  Wholesome entertainment for the whole family, that song is. But I digress.  Ford's evil, and nobody but Buffy trusts him.  Something's wrong with that.  Sure, Xander might just not trust him because he likes Buffy. Angel might not trust him because he's jealous, as we learn in a painful monologue later in Willow's room. And Willow…well, Willow isn't jealous, but then she doesn't even know she's gay yet, so she's not as observant as she thought she was, is she?  However, I do not hate her and her not-yet-quite-gay self.  Actually, watching this episode just annoyed me, because it made me miss her.  She was so cute.  And awkward.  And freaked out about having a 250+ undead vampire in her room!  He might, you know, see her bra!  Of course, one might argue that she wanted him to see her bra, what with all that tarty lipstick and eye shadow she's wearing to bed.  So, anyway, Ford's evil.

I am trying to save you. You are playing in some serious traffic here, do you understand that? You're going to die, and the only hope you have of surviving this is to get out of this pit right now and my God could you have a dorkier outfit?

Not only is he evil, he's the misguided leader of a cult of lost kids who worship vampires, aka "the lonely ones," and dress like they're rejects from the "Rocky Horror Picture Show".  Clearly these kids are on crack.  One might wonder how Ford got the money together to rent out the club.  Or how he found all those lost sheep to fill his club.  And why he let Diego get away with that cape.  And if all of those kids were sleeping in the club.  And many, many other things.  But we can't ponder these things, because we're busy "oooohing" and "aaaahing" over the revelation that Ford's evil!  He's evil!  Like the fruits of the devil!  And he plans on giving Buffy to Spike so Spike will change him and he'll die young and stay pretty, or something equally cheesy.

Buffy, of course, gets suspicious when a vamp Ford said he dusted steals one of Giles' books.  This sets her spidey sense a'tinglin', since she was supposed to be dead and all.  She follows him to his club, where Ford seals his fate to die without ever having bagged a babe by wooing Buffy with crazy talk and the threat of death.  We are of course supposed to realize that the world is never black and white, and we're supposed to feel just the faintest touch of sad for Ford and his predicament.  However, since he's already arranged the death of everyone in the room, I have a hard time doing this.  You may do as you feel is right.

What I see is that right after the sun goes down, Spike and all of his friends are gonna be pigging out at the all-you-can-eat moron bar.

Buffy get knocked out, somehow, by Ford.  You figure that out.  She gets wailed on night after night by superhuman vampires, and all of a sudden Ford can catch this girl with the super-great senses off guard.  Not that I'm as disturbed by this as I am by the white go-go boots Buffy sports in this scene, but I still find it annoying.  Not as annoying as when I watch the spectacular leap that comes next, but still.  Pretty annoyed.  I think you get the picture.

So.  The leap.  I can't dwell on it.  Let's just say that it involves a rather large distance and height in white go-go boots.  She reaches Drusilla, who joined the raiding party for a treat, and threatens to put her in an ash tray.  Notice I say "threatened."  Does Buffy actually do this?  No.  Not even after all of the hostages were freed?  No.  Should we dwell on it?

Just focus on those pretty, pretty boots.

Buffy gets everyone out, locks the vamps in, says something snarky to Willow, Xander and Angel who come crawling up when everything's conveniently over, and comes back for Ford's body the next day.  She then takes the time to bury him (I presume his parents weren't interested in their evil son's body) and promptly stakes him when he rises.  It really was for the best.  He made one ugly vampire.