beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah
















Angel 5.17: Underneath


Today, class, we learn that evil is everywhere. Even underneath. At least, I think that’s the lesson. The lesson could also have something to do with brushing regularly, for all I know.

 

Anyway, Angel decides he wants to know what, exactly, the senior partner’s are up to. It seems to me that Angel decides this every week, but this time he really, really means it. Unfortunately, he doesn’t really know how to figure things out, as that’s sort of Wesley’s job and Wesley’s gone a bit crazy, so he goes to harass Eve. Eve would love to help, but sadly she knows nothing. Apparently when she said she liaised, she really meant it. She didn’t do anything else or know anything else about the senior partners. (And for this she got immortality? What, are they just handing it out to anybody now?) She then informs Angel that the only person who could tell him what he wants to know is trapped in a hell dimension, thanks to Angel. Ah, the irony. It's almost as if it rained on Angel's wedding day. Or like he'd gotten a free ride after he'd already paid.

 

I’d also say thanks to Lindsey, since you’d think he’d be partially responsible, at the very least, for his current predicament, considering he put a big, elaborate plot to bring back Spike and kill Angel and all into action, but that would go against ME’s stance that no one is responsible for their actions ever. So it's all Angel's fault he's in a hell dimension of unimaginable torment and possibly swimming in shrimp. Also, I think it’d be funny if she was lying just to get her boyfriend back, but she’s not. But seriously, how funny would that be? As funny as if they’d stuck Lindsey in the hell full of shrimp, rather than the hell o suburbia. Ah, missed chances. Script writing is wasted on actual scriptwriters, no?

 

 

No one can fake it through the piña colada song. Not once the chorus kicks in.

 

 

So Lindsey's hell is in suburbia with a perfect blonde wife and a creepy little kid where every day is like Sunday. This perfect bliss is interrupted once a day for Lindsey to have his heart torn from his chest. He is also forced to wear an ugly pendant. It’s an odd punishment, when you stop to think about it.

 

The posturing heroes take Eve with them back to W&H so some mysterious force that is after her can't kill her, because she’s their bestest friend, and go to Gunn to find a clause in W&H's copious tomes of paperwork that allows her to be under Angel’s protection. The gang then ignores her and attempts to piece together where Lindsey could be. Collectively they have no clue how to find what hell dimension he’s in, since there are gazillions of them. Luckily, the guilt trip Angel plied the still recuperating Gunn with kicked in and he shows up all “pony up, bitches. We’re goin’ in.” Angel, Spike and Gunn leave Harmony and Lorne to watch over Eve while they pile into a camaro and are magically driven by Herbie the Love Camaro to Lindsey. How very convenient. And how very stupid of the Senior Partner’s. Giving Angel the transportation to get to the exact hell dimension you have ensconced his sworn enemy in, an enemy who just happens to know everything Angel needs to get all pissy on your asses and who has a history of turning over when it’s convenient? Could I see the business case for that? Because I'm assuming it had to be presented in triplicate and approved by the mysterious partners - not to mention passing through the lawyer's lawyers (to make sure there's nothing in there that could bite them on the ass later) and getting funding and, honestly, how the hell did that camaro make it into the motor pool? How is this good business sense? How the hell are these mysterious beings controlling anything, much less a subtle apocalypse?

 

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a stupid all-powerful bad guy.

 

So they conveniently arrive at Lindsey’s doorstep (that’s right. Not only did they provide him with the means to get there, they programmed Herbie to drive to Lindsey's house. What, they couldn’t even make it a tiny bit challenging? Make Angel go door to door? Stupid Senior Partners.) To top it off, they put him in an alternate dimension where the sun’s UV rays are as harmful to a vampire as a toothless Chihuahua. I seriously have no idea how these guys outlasted Illyria and her moronic Old Ones.

 

 

I hope it's toy poodle hell. I've had my fill of fire.

 

 

Lindsey’s fake wife lets them in and everything’s fine and dandy until Lindsey thinks they’re a bunch of freaks for barging into his house and insisting that nothing is real. He doesn’t remember, see? He thinks it’s all wonderful and he thinks they're mean and not funny and he'd like them to leave. He doesn’t even seem to remember the torture of getting his heart forcibly removed from his chest cavity on a daily basis unless someone tells him to go to the basement. Way to punish the guy. Anyway, they remove his tacky necklace (W&H must have saved money by ordering in bulk) and Lindsey remembers everything. His perfect wife and scary child come at them with machine guns, as do all the shiny happy neighbors. They head for the basement, against Lindsey’s protests, the big baby.

 

Once there they gross out over the pile of Lindsey’s hearts and debate how to escape. Luckily, Gunn was just playing dumb and knew how to get out all along. He puts on the necklace and takes Lindsey’s place in suburban hell. The rest of the guys leap through fire and land on top of one of Angel’s cars in the W&H garage, scaring the shit out of Lorne, Eve and Harmony, who were busy stealing said car.

 

They were stealing the car because a dapperly dressed man was stalking slowly and menacingly towards Eve. Eve was not happy about this. Ergo the car stealing. Angel rolls off the car and is all “dude, she’s under my protection, so step off.” But he doesn’t step off, and forces Eve to sign away her immortality and all the other undefined perks that went with being the one who liaises. Eve is unhappy about this because now someday she’ll die. Lindsey is thrilled with this, because it means that she gave up immortality for him. It’s too bad they’re so boring together because it’d almost be sweet – the short little homicidal ex-lawyer with a napoleon complex and his formerly immortal, pathologically bland sweetie. Think of the spin-off possibilities!

 

It should be noted here that the dapper gentleman is Marcus Hamilton, the new liaison. It should also be noted that Mr. Hamilton knows who Lindsey is, knows that he was in a hell dimension courtesy of the Senior Partners, and more than likely knows that he knows things. It is then my duty to note that he walks away, leaving Lindsey in Angel’s hands rather than dragging his ass to another level of hell, a hell where Angel couldn't find him or get any information out of him. Stupid villains.

 

Later in a W&H conference room, they openly discuss everything it is that Lindsey knows. Turns out Holland Manners wasn’t lying oh so many seasons ago, and hell really is on Earth. Could be worse. Earth could be covered in shrimp, no? But I digress. So this apocalypse that Angel’s been fretting over has actually been going on all along. Angel has a hard time believing this, for reasons different than my disbelief. He can’t believe he wouldn’t have noticed, while I don’t believe that anyone in this ‘verse is capable of such devious, subtle evil. But whatever.

 

Basically, W&H hired Angel to distract him. Which we all guessed centuries ago. Way to catch up, champion. Why they had to hire him, we’ll never know. They could have just sent a petite blonde his way or another son or, heck, put a shiny object in his path. Would’ve probably worked way better than giving him an evil law firm. But, as previously stated many times, I’m no evil genius, so perhaps there are layers here I’m missing. Perhaps having him slowly watch his soul die as he sits behind his desk in corporate hell was just more amusing for them to watch from afar.

 

 

The war's here, Angel. And you're already 2 soldiers down.

 

 

Meanwhile, off in their own little self-involved universe, Wesley dreamt about Fred and hung out with Illyria. Illyria, for her part, watched Wesley sleep, took umbrage at being called a sheep and fought claustrophobia. She also talked a lot about when she was a world ruler and mocked mortals for their silly, silly ways. You know, for a change.

 

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