beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah

 

 

 

 

 

season two   >   ted

 

Oh Ted. Such a sad man. All he wanted was a family. And Buffy had to go and shortcircuit his electrical system.

 

But first, we open to Xander and Willow arguing about the Captain and Tenille. Buffy thinks the both of them are crazy. Oh Buffy, not any crazier than someone who would try to kill all her friends so she could live in an imaginary world in her head and who would have difficult-to-stay-in-position sex with an evil vampire who she doesn't like. But yes, Xander and Willow are truly too young to have such strong opinions about musical groups from the seventies. And they really should stop bringing up puppets. They give me the wig.

 

And then two seriously stupid things. Did I say stupid? I meant really incredibly dumb. Seriously.

 

First, everyone's all, lala, Spike and Dru are dead. Um, hello. A big thing crashed down on them, but they're vampires. Did everyone forget they were vampires? Big things crashing down is not one of the favored vampire killing methods. And no one even waited around two minutes to see Dru emerge from the rubble, injured Spike in tow. And everyone does recall that the big crashy thing was right after a ritual to give Dru strength, right? But yes, everyone thinks Spike and Dru are dead. Just go with it.

 

Next, we find out that the order of the assassins who never give up. Never stop. Never surrender. Who just keep sending more and more and more until the job is done because it's their honor on the line... have given up. Just like that. So, the whole urgency thing in the last two episodes where Angel was all freaked because it didn't matter how many they kill, because they keep coming was really for nothing. They killed the three that showed up and they were good. Sorta like those knights who were after the key. They were never going to give up either until Dawn was dead. And then, suddenly, no more knights. They figured, what the hell. Our magic flying horses need to rest a while.

 

Anyway, we just skip right past those two things in the episode, since they're so stupid and the writers figured if they lingered on them, the audience would catch on to just how completely dumb they really are, but I don't know if that's the best plan. I think we should play this scene out the way it really would have gone.

 

Xander: Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been ridin' the mellow, and I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying that.


Buffy: Yeah, but we'll let you off this time.


Willow: Uh, guys? Is everyone here very stoned? Did anyone think to actually check that Spike and Drusilla are out of the way? Remember how they're immortal vampires and all?


Buffy: No, but we saw that big crashy thing. That's good enough for me.


Willow: Do big crashy things often kill vampires who can only be killed by stake to the heart, decapitation, or fire?


Buffy: Well, no, but... fire! There was fire!


Willow: Did you see it actually burn them or are you just guessing here? No possibility they would have thought it prudent to avoid the nearby death-causing fire?


Xander: Nah, we'll never see those guys again.


Willow: So, we're pretty sure that there're not more Tarakan assassins coming our way?


Buffy: Angel's sources say the contract's off.


Willow: But what about "You can kill as many of them as you like. It won't make any difference - because where there is one, there will be another. And another. They won't stop coming until the job is done."


Buffy: Eh.

 


They all end up back at Buffy's just in time for her to see her mom kissing her robot boyfriend. Joyce's robot boyfriend, that is. Not Buffy's. And really, why shouldn't Joyce get to have a robot boyfriend. Willow got to have one, after all. So, I just gave away the whole plot, because we're supposed to think he's this nice normal sweet guy who's all perfect and bakes cookies and mini-pizzas and steals computer hardware from work so Willow can build a better computer from which to hack into the FBI files.


The first clue that something may be wrong with perfect Ted (OK, his actual name is Robot Jack, but for some reason everyone calls him Ted throughout this entire episode) is that he insists that everything be... perfect. "No room for compromise." "I wanted it to be perfect." And that's just what he says in his first scene. Well, his first talking scene. His first actual scene was just the kissing. However, no one notices because they're high on life. Or possibly on the E he's putting in the cookies. But again, I'm getting way ahead. Hey, if you didn't want to be spoiled, you should be watching this episode instead of reading about it. So there.


Later that night? The next night? Sometime after the meeting with Ted anyway, Buffy is out patrolling in the graveyard and Giles is there to, uh, watch I guess. Anyway, she beats the hell out of the vampire rather than just staking him right away and Giles is all, don't use that vampire as your own personal punching bag, it might hurt his feelings! Then he hopes that no other vampires are around because he doesn't want them to have to go through the pain this one just suffered. Alrighty then.

 

I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like, "Oh, look, a mini-pizza!" but I'm telling you, I am--

 

 

The next day at school, Robot Jack, I mean Ted, is apparently there working on the computers and he invites the gang to mini-golf. Now, Sunnydale doesn't have a mini-golf course. So either it's one of those magical mini-golf courses, not unlike Dracula's castle in Buffy vs. Dracula, or Ted has created a robot mini-golf course world and implanted everyone with false memories so they would think it had always been there. Or possibly it's a continuity error, but that can't possibly be it, can it? Nah.


Later, Giles goes by to see Jenny, who is still playing the martyr after the demon possession incident. Oh get over it already. You're an evil gypsy sent to spy on Giles' slayer, ruin all their lives, and your family is OK with sucking the soul right out of Buffy's boyfriend and turning him evil. So an orgy demon from Giles' past love life with Ethan came around and possessed you for a few hours. Big frickin' deal already.


But anyway, Jenny acts all hurt and holy and Giles buys the whole thing.


Meanwhile, Buffy and Angel are making out, which unbeknownst to them is otherwise known as precursor to the Evil Leather Pants of Doom.


Saturday at mini-golf, Buffy cheats. Why she even cares I have no idea. While everyone is off doing who knows what, Ted gets all scary and "I'm going to slap your face; rules are rules". There's that perfect thing again. Do you think he could possibly be... a robot?! Then everyone finally wanders up and he's all "cookies!" Of course later, no one believes Buffy. About him being all scary, not about him being a robot. She doesn't know that part yet.


Back at school, Cordy and Xander sneak off to the Secret Closet of Unbridled Passion and insult each other.

 

Look, I'm not gonna' tell, they're not gonna' know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna' go to the utility closet and make out?


Buffy sneaks into Ted's work to spy on him. He of course finds out about it, which is why she hones her techniques later and spies in people's workplaces only while invisible. Anyway, Ted's coworker tells her that he's "a machine." Earlier, Ted told Buffy he wasn't "wired that way." People! He's a robot! Are you all blind?! And deaf?! Sheesh. Moving on.


Oblivious coworker mentions about how Ted's getting married. So at dinner that night, brilliantly sneaky Buffy confronts them with it. So stealthy that girl. She could totally be on Alias.


She gets sent to her room and she sneaks out to find some vampires to beat up on. She can't find any, so she climbs back into her bedroom through the window and finds Ted to beat up on. In her defense, he was reading her diary. And threatens to put her in the loony bin because of her make-believe vampire world. She tells him that her parents already tried that once and it didn't help. Oh wait. She doesn't tell him that because the writers hadn't thought up that storyline yet.


They get into a fight and Ted hits her. So she beats the hell out of him and knocks him down the stairs. He dies. Or really he just powers down, since he's an evil robot boyfriend and all. But no one knows that. They just think Buffy killed him. She's all bummed and stuff.


At school, Willow and Xander want to know what kind of scary demon he was, and since she doesn't know about the robot thing, she tells them she killed a person. Oh Buffy, don't worry about it. Everyone kills a person now and again. Faith doesn't shoot the sheriff, but she does kill the deputy. Giles snuffs out Ben. Willow skins Warren. It happens. And plus, he was an evil robot boyfriend anyway. Your mom is better off without him.


But she mopes. While, of course, wearing the Overalls of Sadness.


Xander is up in arms about the whole thing until he takes one bite of one of those yummy ecstasy-laced cookies, and suddenly all is well. Willow figures out that it's more the ecstasy than the actual cookie parts.

 

Meanwhile, Buffy is in her room and who shows up? Evil Robot Jack! I mean Dead Ted! Technically more robot than dead. Buffy starts to get the hint that he's not exactly all human.


At the same time, Jenny and Giles are fighting a vampire and we find that the days of crosses repelling those evil creatures of the night are of the past. However, crossbow bolts still seem to work. They also work on Giles, but apparently Jenny's accidental shooting of him balances out his whole calling-forth-the-demon-that-possessed-her thing. What about the fact that you're an evil gypsy spy, Jenny? Where's the balance then? Huh? Huh?


Ted has a joyful reunion with Joyce after he wails on Buffy for a while, but Joyce starts to wig when he calls himself "daddy." There's just no call for that. Willow, Xander, and Cordy find Ted's Lair of 50's Nostalgia, along with a pile 'o dead wives.

 

Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever, I adore you! Well, that's the cookies talking, but you rock.


Ted knocks out Joyce as to easier take her to his secret robot lair, but Buffy manages to wack him into little robot parts with a frying pan. There's a whole reason why Ted turned himself into a robot and wanted Joyce to be his robot wife, but it's boring. And as you know, we here at boils and blinding torment do you a favor and skip the boring parts.

 

So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying, and my wife dumps me. I build
a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker o' love until
she dies, and then, he keeps he bringing her back, over and over. Now-now
that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.


Willow keeps Ted parts to practice on so she can fix up the Buffybot later. But that's way after Warren creates his own robot girl in a missed hint of foreshadowing of how his actions will ultimately be violent for many women in Sunydale and long after he designs the buffybot to be Spike's own sex toy. For now, the worst they all have to suffer through is Giles and Jenny making out in the Library of Love. And they don't have to worry about that for long. In the scheme of things.

 

 

 

 

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