beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah

 

 

 

I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know.

 

 

 

 

FAQ for the uninitiated and the wholly confused

 

This won't answer all your questions, but hopefully it will answer a few. We'll share more of our bitter wisdom as time goes on.

 


 

Season One

 

What was up with Buffy's big-ass hair?

We don't know, but now, looking back on all that's happened to it since then…don't you sorta miss it?

 

That was a church the Master was trapped in?  Are you sure?

We, for the record, are not.  Granted, I didn't spend much time in churches growing up, but I'm fairly certain it takes more than a bunch of candles to make a church.  And the big cross?  We just thought he was a sadist.

 

Why was the Master malformed?  All of the other vampires seem to be young and hot.  What happened to him?

In the Buffyverse, it has been decided that vampirism is a degenerative disease of sorts.  The longer one is a vampire, the uglier one gets.  Sort of the beast taking over the shop.  And it seems the beast can take different forms. We saw an example of this with Kakistos in Season Three.  Where the Master had sort of a gross skin and ear thing going on (no, we got the bat reference.  Really.  We did.  Don't write.), Kakistos instead chose to go the cloven hoof path.  A very fashionable choice on his part, if you ask us.

 

Angel's a vampire?  With a soul?  Is this as lame as it sounds?

Indeed it is.  He's got a soul, he's mopey, he makes bad fashion choices (one can only assume his grief over his past sins forced him to wear that crushed velvet coat as penance.) and he agonizes over having a crush on the Slayer.  We think the gypsies really need to work on that curse.  We're just sayin'.

 

Cordelia's in high school?  How many grades did she flunk?

We don't know.  We asked her, but she couldn't count that high.  And she was too busy being all floaty and annoying.

 

Teenagers possessed by the spirits of evil hyenas ate Principal Flutie?  Scientifically speaking, is this even possible?

What do we look like, biology teachers?  Go away.

 

 

Season Two

 

I'm sorry.  Angel went evil why?

Because Joss didn't want to punish the girl for having sex.  No, wait…Angel used to be Angelus.  Angelus used to be Liam.  Liam was just someone thought up out that black place in Joss' heart that likes to torture others.  Why else would he give David Boreanaz' character a background that required mutton chops and an accent? shudder

 

But I digress.  Liam was turned into a vampire by Darla.  For some reason, he decided a real tough sounding name was "Angelus."  Snerk all you want, lord knows we are. .  He was evil.  Or so we're told.  Honestly, in the flash backs?  He seems rather pansy-ish to us.  When Angelus was cursed by gypsies for killing their favorite lass, his soul was returned to him.  In a fit of moping not seen on TV since My So Called Life went off the air, Angelus decided that his name was no longer fitting, as he was now a big ass wuss, and he dropped the -lus.

 

So, then, he meets Buffy and she is inexplicably drawn to him.  I don't understand it.  I don't think anyone else understands it.  But there you are. They have sex.  He doesn't call.  He tells on her to her mother.  He tries to kill her friends.  It's happened to us all at one time or another, hasn't it?

 

Jenny Calendar's a gypsy?  Since when?

Since Joss decided not to kill Oz, and needed someone else to off.  After an insane bout of crack and lack of reason, he came up with Janna.  Jenny.  Whatever.  It was lame. Enter Janna.  Yep.  As lame as it sounds.  Turns out, Jenny is/was/whatever, from the gypsy tribe that lost their most beloved daughter, yadda yadda yadda, to Angelus.  So, eons later, they send Jenny to watch Angel and make sure he suffered. Riiiiiiiight.  Wasn't the fact that he had to dress like a doof and wear that hair torture enough?

Is it just me, or does it seem like there's an awful lot of people doin' the watchin' thing in Sunnydale?

 

Buffy's hair.  The peroxide.  What the hell?

We really don't have an answer for this.  My mother feels that they did it on purpose, to show how distressed Buffy was over the whole evil Angel thing.  I say my mom's on crack.  

Because we all know if that was true, Buffy would have lived out the rest of the season in the overalls of sadness.

 

 

Season Three

 

Don't get us wrong, we love Faith, but why the hell is she even around?

Buffy died and begat Kendra. Joss got bored with Kendra.   Kendra died and begat Faith.  

 

Willow cheated on Oz? The best boyfriend in the world ever? She broke his heart?

We never would have done that to Oz. Please, Oz! Come back!

 

Angel took off? What was that all about?

He wanted Buffy to be able to live a normal life. Wait. That doesn't make any sense. As the slayer, she couldn't live a normal life anyway. Um, he had no willpower and couldn't resist sleeping with her again, so he left before he lost his soul. Hmm. That doesn't make much sense either. He must have a lot of willpower to be able to resist getting himself some fresh blood for a hundred years. He felt he could do more good away from the hellmouth, place where all the evil happens and location of world-ending danger every few months? Fuck it. He got his own spin-off show and couldn't be bothered with Buffy anymore.

 

 

Season Four

 

We may regret asking this, but what the hell was the Initiative?

A really sad, silly excuse for a focal point in the fourth season.  Basically it was man muddling in Slayer territory.  And it was stupid. Stunningly so.

 

What the hell was Riley all about?

Ah, yes.  Riley.  Called Captain Cardboard by some.  But really, can those that worshipped David Boreanaz truly mock anyone else?  We think not.  Riley was, for whatever reason, Buffy's "perfect", "normal" boyfriend. We were first saddled with him in Season Four.  He turned out to be some freakish science experiment, sanctioned by a section of the military called The Initiative.

 

And Adam?

No one knows. No one wants to know.

 

 

Season Five

 

Who is Dawn?  Where did she come from?

Dawn is Buffy's younger sister, pulled out of Joss' ass at the end of the fifth season's first episode.  While he claims to have been building up to her existence early on in the series, one would think that if so, he would have imagined up a hell of a lot more for her to do.  

 

But where did Dawn really come from?  

Skirting the obvious answer of "the land of make-believe", the correct answer would be that she was an ambiguous ball of green energy, turned into a teenager by an ancient-type order of monks, who then sent her to the Slayer so she would protect her from Glory.  Glory being an ex-hellgod.  The Slayer being as powerful against a hellgod as an ant against my foot.  No one ever said those monks worked well under pressure, eh?

 

What the fuck was up with that Dagonsphere?

No one knows.  Really.  Seriously.  Not even Joss.  This is evidenced by it being discovered early in the fifth season as something that made Glory a little woozy, and then promptly being forgotten about until it was conveniently needed at the end of the season.

 

Still speaking of the Dagonsphere, if it made Glory weak, why the hell did the Buffybot toss it at her?

There is actually no explanation for this.  At all.  Sorry. Except for the classic "it looked really cool"-and that's not really an explanation now, is it?

 

Season Six

 

What the hell was up with season six?

Well… where do we begin?  Willow became a junkie, when she should have just stuck with being a power-hungry bitch.  Riley came back.  And not only did they bring him back, they brought him back married to a chick that could kick Buffy's ass.  Buffy started shagging another dead guy, this time explicitly and publicly.  And Giles left.  That pretty much sums it up.

 

But, remember, "officially" it was about the pain of growing up. While having sex with a vampire.

 

Giles left?  What the fuck?

Officially, Giles left because Buffy needed to grow up.  Unofficially, ASH was tired of dealing with American brats and being forced to sing embarrassing songs on a show about a vampire slayer-I mean, he wanted to spend more time with his kids, so he was written off. Either way, we're still pretty damn bitter.

 

You still have questions?

 

And Slayers are…what, again?

Right.  Slayers. A long, long time ago, back when people dressed in rags and weren't required to brush their hair, something caused one lucky young lady to become super strong. She was ostracized from her tribe or whatever and probably wandered the earth, defeating the bad guys. There weren't any malls to go to at the time, see. From then on, just because, a Slayer has existed.  One girl in all the world, blah blah blah. When one dies, the next is called and blah blah blah. The one girl, nay, the one PERSON on the planet, who can save the world from the scourge of the vampires and other assorted evils.  Not counting all those other non-slayery people who seem to do just fine kicking ass all on their own.

 

One minute Buffy can leap over fences, the next she can barely throw a right hook.  What's up with that?

Joss is lazy.  Special effects are hard.  And they cost money, a precious commodity that must instead go to line the actors' and producers' pockets.

 

What's up with Buffy dying all the time?

Short answer:  Death is her gift.

Long answer:  Slaying is dangerous business, see?  In order to defeat the bad guys, sometimes you have to throw yourself off a rickety tower, or drown in a small puddle in a sunken church.  And, every once in awhile, you might even get called upon to bite it in some dramatic fashion in an alternate universe.  Not much you can do about it, is there?

 

And also, Joss thinks it's cool and "dramatic."

 

Dude, what's up with the clothes?

Normally I'd be all over this, but I'm still too heartbroken over the news that Cynthia Bergstrom will no longer be overseeing Willow's hats, Buffy's shirts or Xander's atrocities.  I need to grieve.   Alone.

 

The Watchers Council?  What is that all about?

Don't get us started. But, fine.  Since you asked, they appear to be a bunch of stodgy, bitter British men, with a token woman or two thrown in for statistic's sake, who find and train the slayers, some even before they're called, then use them systematically as cannon fodder.  (There's a whole message in there about men being threatened by and keeping good women down, we're sure.)  Not really having enough to do, as sitting around looking stern doesn't take much after you've mastered the basics, they invent things to torture the slayers with, like tests of cunning and whatnot.

 

They find the girls?  How?

We don't know.  It's not clear.  And, just so we're clear, we think it's stupid.  But it seems that they somehow find a whole bunch of potential future slayers and train them before they're called, just in case.  What happens to the girls once they're not called, we know not.  We don't know what the WC tells their parents.  At what age they're released from their own private Idahos, we have no clue.  We only know it's stupid.  Did we already say that?

 

Vampires are soulless, evil demons, right?  Who set up shop in their newly acquired body?  And who are not the same people as before?

If this was more or less Season One, we would've said yes.  Possibly even Season Two.  However, as many things have in the Buffyverse, this has sort of blurred.  Gotten muddied.  Been smacked over the head with a two-by-four.  Run down by a big truck.  You get the idea.  General rule of thumb?  Whatever Joss thinks is cool goes.  Leave all hope of reason and/or continuity at the door.

 

If nobody ever goes into the library, why didn't Principal Snyder close it down and have done with it?  He must have seen that it would end in no good, hiring a smarmy British librarian like that.  Please, he came to work in tweed! TWEEEEEEEEEEEED!

Simple answer:  There wouldn't be a story, nitwit.  At least, not one as readily believable as a young student hanging out alone in a dark library, practicing slaying techniques on an hourly basis.

Long answer:  see above.

 

 

 

Did we miss your question? Not like our answer? Let us know in the forums.

 

08.19.02