beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah




No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again, I will definitely knock myself unconscious.





That's Gotta Hurt


Buffy the Vampire Slayer, while always firmly entrenched in the land of sci-fi, has outdone itself in the land of make-believe.  What, you ask, are we talking about?  Buffy and Spike, and their oh-so-miraculous sex life.  Usually we'd let this go, but as we're forced to watch it each week at 8 o'clock and there are quite a few impressionable kiddies out there, consider this a PSA.


And remember, we shatter your illusions because we care.  Some of this shit's dangerous, yo.



As Seen on Buffy

Buffy and Spike beat the shit out of each other before falling into a passionate embrace.  Five seconds later Buffy jumps up on Spike and straddles him, seemingly without any concern for underthings, Spike lowers his zipper rather loudly, and they begin to rhythmically screw like rabbits.  Falling through the floor, they continue to keep the rhythm.


In Reality

While possibly ready for sex, as it was quite a long fight and some people are all about that, Buffy grimaces in pain as her pushed-aside underwear chafes and Spike's zipper and belt buckle possibly cause bleeding.  Her skirt is much too narrow for her to get her legs wide enough for anything to work right, and the skirt rips. And it was her favorite skirt. It was her only skirt! OK, maybe not her only skirt, but certainly her only long, ugly pleather skirt.


Spike, exhausted and bruised from the fight, has a difficult time holding Buffy up and his rhythm suffers as a result. He's grimacing a bit himself since he's feeling that zipper a bit more than he's feeling Buffy, if you know what we mean, and we think you do.



Buffy, annoyed at the erratic rhythm, pushes off from the pillar and they crash through the floor, landing the next floor down on concrete.  An unpleasant snap is heard coming from Spike's nether regions.  Upon regaining consciousness, Buffy and Spike are arrested for vandalism.



As Seen on Buffy

Buffy, having worked hard for probably 15 minutes or so at the Doublemeat, takes a much-deserved break.  Spike greets his little filly in the alley and they fuck against the wall, fully clothed.


In Reality

Buffy's look of distraction is actually one of pain, as she is too worried about people passing by to enjoy the rendezvous.  To pass the time she concentrates on the scratchiness of the brick wall behind her.  She is also distracted by her work pants hanging tightly around her knees, which prevent her legs from spreading comfortably, and Spike's zipper is once again rubbing in an altogether unpleasant fashion.  


Spike is frustrated by his inability to get a good angle due to the inconvenient and binding positioning of the Slayer's pants.  To make matters worse, since Spike decided to make his little booty call during broad freaking daylight, his skin is lightly seared and he smells a lot like charred bacon.   Which puts Buffy off.  Because, despite all rumors circulating in the ME staff room, the aroma of charred bacon is not an aphrodisiac. Unless it's the morning after a semi-heavy drinking binge.  But that could just be me.


An officer wanders by and arrests the two for public indecency.  Buffy itches all night, worrying about all the possible crawly things that might have been in the alley.  By the dumpster.  Spike spends his time in jail wishing he had some aloe vera lotion for his sunburn and planning out what he's going to say to the boys. "All right!  Break time quickie!"


He does this planning laying flat on his back, since he's unable to stand due to the cramps in his knees.


Note: The script does claim that this little sexcapade happened at night. That Spike came to see Buffy at work, asked her to "service him" and then came back "LATER (NIGHT)". Apparently, she was just supposed to get that he implied "service me, but not right this very moment because I'd probably get all burned to a crisp like those bugs that keep falling in the boiling vat 'o fat that you cook those fries in, so meet me later when I can be more attentive and non-burned up." However, the scene itself does a poor job of relating this, so we're sticking with our day story. And anyway, the script describes the sex using the words "effort" and "need", neither of which actually seem to appear in the actual scene, so we're basically discounting the script entirely for this one.




As Seen on Buffy

Spike comes up behind Buffy in the Bronze, and with barely a "how's your father" he enters her from behind without her having to :


a) remove any sort of underpants

b) bend over, or

c) unzip his pants  


Lots of public ecstasy all around!


In Reality

Spike bruises Buffy's hip trying to remove her cotton panties and tears her skirt.  Buffy grimaces in pain because she really wasn't ready for sex without at least just the teeniest amount of foreplay and she kind of liked that skirt and can't really afford to replace it on what Doublemeat Palace is paying her.  


Also, she sprains something in her back when she has to stand on her toes and balance against the railing on her stomach. Plus the railing is sort of sticky and she can't stop thinking about what that grimy residue, that's now stuck to her stomach, is from. Especially if she and Spike weren't the first ones with this brilliant sex-in-the- bronze plan.


Spike growls in frustration at the shallow penetration he gets at such an angle.  Three patrons of the Bronze flee the balcony area screaming "My eyes!  My eyes!" Buffy and Spike get arrested. Buffy spends all night in jail wishing for a loofah and antibacterial soap.




As seen on Buffy

Buffy, newly invisible, shucks her morals and goes for a romp with Spike in his crypt.  Xander, searching for Buffy, arrives and for some reason does not feel the need to look for a naked, invisible Buffy under Spike.  Spike, for his part, pretends he was doing push ups.  Naked.  Under his sheets.  Buffy squeals in…joy.  Xander, nauseaus-even if he doesn't know why, exits.




What am I...? What's it look like, ya nit? I'm... exercising, aren't I?


In Reality

Spike, unable to see Buffy, nearly pokes her eye out a time or two before he figures out the system.  While attempting to do push ups, while still inside the Buffster, Spike feels something give.  Buffy's squeals of joy are actually those of discomfort as she is rubbed the entirely wrong way. Since the push-up angle? Not exactly the right direction.  


Xander, realizing both that a) Buffy is invisible and b) Spike is having sex with either an invisible person or the bed, catches on to what is happening. Unable to decide whether he is intrigued, sickened or jealous, he berates Buffy and Spike, then comes back later to ask Spike for all the details.  


Buffy, realizing that the mood is broken, cannot find her clothes and exits Spike's crypt in a huff, wandering the streets of Sunnydale nekkid.





I see you're serious. So am I. I want you. You want me. I can't come inside. So? Could be, the time is right...for you to come outside.

As seen on Buffy

Spike drops by Buffy's house for a quickie on the lawn, while Dawn is inside, unaware. Buffy drops Dawn's yummy Double Meat Palace dinner on the ground, and gives her the squashed meal when she comes inside. I mean, when she goes inside. She comes outside.


In Reality

Buffy grimaces in pain as the rough tree bark scratches her back.  Falling to the ground, hard rocks and sticks poke into her back, causing bleeding. She gets branches stuck in her hair. She yelps at a particularly pokey stick and Dawn rushes to the window to see what's going on. She can't see anything, and she's scared because she lives in Sunnydale and knows what can cause screaming at night, so she calls the police.


The police rush over, because they've been called out to Buffy's house before, and they know it's probably not a false alarm. The police do not fall for Buffy and Spike's excuse that Spike found her naked on the lawn and was just giving her mouth to mouth, and promptly arrest the pair.


Dawn, knowing that Spike can't breathe even if he does inhale and exhale cigarette smoke, figures out the real reason her dinner is squashed and chooses to make herself a peanut butter and banana quesadilla instead.  After checking herself into therapy.  



She is soon joined by Xander, Anya and Willow whom, after finding out the reason they were summoned in the middle of the night to bail Buffy out of jail, need help coping with the imagery.


As do we all.


Think we wouldn't know good sex if we, er, had it, and want to explain to us why these sex scenes were romantic and true to life? Excellent! We'd love to mock you for those strange and off-putting view in the forums.