Watched all of season seven, yet you still
find yourself frustrated by everything left unanswered? Pondering
why Giles was such an asshole? Why Kennedy existed? How the
Slayer coming back from the dead caused a disruption in the line?
What the hell Dawn had to do with anything?
You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers. ME couldn't
find the time to fit in any in 22 episodes and we understand, they were
busy and all. There were a lot of really important, repetitive speeches
that had to come first, new characters to add at the last minute, a contract
with the misdirection fairy to fulfill on threat of legal action and plot
twists to ignore--we totally understand that. And let’s not
forget the really important, really long battle scene
wherein they squashed an incorporeal First. That was really important
too. So we’re cutting ME some slack and answering the questions
they didn’t have the time to. Someone’s gotta do it.
the fuck was up with Giles?
When he left for England, his guilt over leaving Buffy in such a condition
led him down a dark path where he ultimately took up sniffing glue.
This led to the tragic death of many precious brain cells, which led to
him hanging out in crack alleys, begging for some rubber cement.
A kind hobo picked him up and dropped him off at rehab, where he underwent
electroshock therapy, which cured the glue craving but unfortunately led
to the radical change in character.
And why the whole deal with him not touching anything
for weeks? Was all that for that lame payoff in the
desert with the inappropriate girl-touching joke?
Yes, yes it was.
was Dawn even there?
Well it’s kind of hard to show someone the world if they’re
not there, don’t you think? And who says that showing someone
the world can’t be defined as “ignoring one's sister and generally
forgetting that one even has a sister since one now has many cool toys
to play war with and relegating ones sister, who is imaginary anyway so
who really cares, to her room to study”? People with small
minds, that’s who.
Summer’s blood? The hell?
No, no, no—that was Season FIVE. Try again.
I’m sorry, Beljoux’s
Eye? What was that all about?
They were out of phallic snakes, so they thought “what the hell”?
How about a big, caged mass of eyeballs that Anya used to date? And Joss
looked down upon it, and he did reply “it is good.”
No, we meant with its whole “it’s the
Slayer's fault” thing.
Oh, that didn’t mean anything. Just idle chitchat amongst
ex-lovers, really. Beljoux didn’t actually know what the hell
was going on. He was guessing. Seriously. Stabbing in the
dark. Buying a vowel without a clue. It’s not like he could
very well be all “I have no idea” in front of an ex-girlfriend,
could he? While her new, much older and distinguished maybe-boyfriend
was standing right there, right? I mean, he may not actually have
balls but he’s still needs to at least act like he has a pair.
Look, Beljoux was talking out of his non-ass. The First was just
bored, okay? It’d been around awhile, seen a lot, done a lot,
and quite frankly was just tired of all the posturing from the White Hats.
Buffy’s deaths and resurrections didn’t cause a weakness in
the line, anyone can see that from the sheer numbers of
ones potentials that showed up begging to use the bathroom.
There was no reason for the First’s attack. It was bored.
Eternity can only entertain you for so long. And it’s not
like it could fill the time playing Tetris or anything, since it was incorporeal
and all. I actually feel kind of sorry for the big lug.
So, why did the First come back in season three?
Was it because Buffy had already caused the weakness in the line?
You'd think if she caused a weakness at all, it would have been then.
After all, that's when the whole two slayers, no waiting thing started.
So, yes, that's also why the First came back then. And then went away.
And waited four years to show up again.
So, where were all the ubervamps then? And why
didn't the First open the hellmouth and kill all the potentials and bring
around the preacher the first time? Instead of just taunting Angel and
then going away because of some lame snow?
Well, snow is pretty scary.
Why were the SiTs so annoying?
Because they shouldn’t have been there; they shouldn’t have
existed. Much like Buffy and Faith maybe couldn’t get along
because there weren’t supposed to be two of them, the SiTs were
annoying because there weren’t supposed to be so many of them.
But somewhere along the line, TPTB got tired of dealing with all of Buffy
and Faith’s shit and decided to show them. They created annoying
SiT after annoying SiT and sent them to Buffy’s house to drive her
crazy, knowing that Faith would eventually show up too and then she’d
get hers. Oh, she’d definitely get hers.
Would Faith ever really use the word “trundled”?
No, no she would not.
Angel breath, huh?
Don’t ask, trust us. We’re talking about a 240+ year old dead
guy who never seems to brush his teeth. Do we need to continue?
He might not “breathe” officially, but he still has breath,
obviously. And it's smelly. Apparently.
I’m sorry, but Xander…Willow…who
are these people again?
We see how that could be confusing, especially if you just joined us.
Willow and Xander are, or were, actually, best friends since kindergarten
and subsequently became best friends with Buffy after a hilarious incident involving vampires,
the death of their longtime friend Jesse
and many poor fashion choices on the part of all three. As time
went on, the writers decided that Spike was hot and therefore needed more
screen and banging the slayer time, so out of necessity the gang drifted apart until Willow and Xander were reduced
to mere shadows of what they once were. Willow, once a sassy, nerdy
redhead, became a neurotic recovering junkie lesbian
and Xander, once the man who represented the normal joes, became a construction
worker who played second fiddle to Andrew and whose claim to fame was
that he used to bang Anya.
What was going to devour them from their bottoms
“It” was. Sheesh. Was anyone paying attention this
And how, exactly, was “it” going to
do this to their bottoms? Are we talking literal devouring of bottoms
Well, with the ubies I lean strongly towards the literal. Or, if
one wanted to look past the surface, one could maybe consider the alternate
angle that it was a imitating a really short dead thing at one time, so
by default it would be beneath anything it attempted to devour.
Just a thought.
Where the hell are these girls’ parents?
Luckily, all SiTs (even the rich ones, ie Kennedy) come with not only
inherent specialness, they also come equipped with parents that just don’t
care. This is an especially useful trait, almost as much as the
ability to kill a vampire without ever having seen one or ever having
been trained before in one's life, as SiTs tend to disappear for long
periods of time and die. Though, before we needlessly write them
off as callous and uncaring, ie Hank, let’s just keep in mind that
TPTB have them all sign releases giving the Scoobs permission to bury
their daughters in the Summer’s back yard without fanfare, should
the need occur. So it’s not like they completely don’t
care what happens to their daughters.
Right, we should’ve seen that one coming—after all, the man
couldn’t even show up to care for his fake underage daughter when
his ex-wife died. Hank is the father of Buffy and the imaginary father
of that spunky green ball of energy, Dawn.
And what makes someone a Potential?
As far as we or TPTB can tell, one must look between 12 and 19, look sassy
in anything and display a preternatural ability to run and kick things
in heels. So it must be genetic.
Now why was it that Buffy kept having dreams of the
girls being killed (well, OK, twice)? It’s not like she dropped
everything to and help them or anything.
Well no, but it heightened the drama. It’s all about drama, people.
Don’t blame the Slayer. She just figured the dreams were induced
by the hot pockets she used to eat before bed. You noticed the dreams
stopped, yes? See, she ran out of hot pockets.
What about the talisman?
Who left that in the bathroom? And why did it target Dawn? And why did
the zombies in the basement seem to have personal vendettas against Buffy?
Was the talisman specifically left there so the zombies would go after
her? Or was the vendetta thing just a coincidence? Or what?
And what happened to Janice and all of Dawn’s
They all died. Tragic combine incident. We’d rather not talk about
Why didn’t we see Giles
on a horse more?
Because Joss hates us. And because horses don’t like plane
rides. And he couldn’t completely rip off the final
battle from TTT by having Giles charge in on a horse, could he?
That would’ve just been tacky.
Why did Holden have to
See above. *sob* Consider it a mercy killing. At least he didn’t
have to listen to her whine about Spike
did Willow’s hair turn white?
Because Willow is goodness and light and completely redeemed—she’s
washed that evil right outta her hair!
Isn’t that kind of stupid?
Well, really, yes. It is.
What about that time that they were all trapped
in the house and Anya asked Willow to use magic so they wouldn’t
all die and we were supposed to be all proud that she refused? Now she’s
rewarded for using extra super-strong magic?
Because. Once again, are we the only ones paying attention here?
Willow got to lay giggling in the office when her
friends were facing death because…?
Willow is just a witch—what could she possibly do to assist her
mere mortals of friends? Put up barriers? Magically divert knives
from being thrust into peoples’ backs? Kinetically use swords to
cut off ubervamps’ heads from a safe distance? Oh, please.
What are you on? Crack?
What the hell was the deal with Caleb?
As previously explained,
Joss liked Captain Tightpants. And hey, who didn’t?
(Well, ST. She didn’t watch Firefly.
And she’s never going to. So just leave her alone already.) The
First wasn’t that spectacular of a villain—not being able
to touch anything or effectively taunt anyone sort of limits one's spook
factor. Add to that the fact that no one was scared of the little
rubber masked guys in leather and Buffy’s speeches were going nowhere.
So it only makes sense that the First would have his up-to-now unseen
right hand man running around doing all his dirty work show up, right?
And if he works for the First, he’s gotta be evil, right proper.
None of that shades of gray, moral ambiguity crap here, no sir.
So that, of course, must mean he openly hates women! And have a southern
accent! And drive a beat up pick up truck! And even though we never
saw it, we feel fairly confident that his pick up had a gun rack. Because
he was southern. And evil. And needed a gun rack.
was all that crap about Xander’s power being seeing things?
Brilliantly taking the obvious fact that Xander had two eyes, and therefore
could see things, ME gave us the touching fable of the man who was ignored
by his friends because he wasn’t special, who
saw things. I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell
got all choked up.
But hey, Caleb was all “you’re the one
who sees things” when he poked out his
eye! That has to mean something, right?
So young, so naïve, so not completely jaded by seven years in this
fandom…to believe that anything Caleb said meant anything one would
have to assume that Caleb himself meant something. See where we’re
going with this? See above if you are still confused. If you
see above and still don’t get it, Caleb had also been told the fable
of the man who was ignored by his friends because he wasn’t special,
who saw things. He just thought it would be a cool pop culture reference
to toss in there. All good villains must show that they have a good
handle on pop culture, or else they become the laughing stock of the underworld.
And no one wants to be known as the really lame evil southern guy without
a grip on pop culture among their peers, now do they?
What the bejeezus are jaffa cakes?
We have no idea.
Why was Buffy acting all strung out on crack?
She needed a nap.
Why didn’t Kennedy die?
Can’t have another dead lesbian, now can we?
Why was Buffy so mean to Faith? It’s not like
half the people in her house haven’t killed, tortured and just generally
been mean to people, so why be all bitter about her?
Buffy actually didn’t give a rat’s ass that Faith killed anybody
or that Faith stole her fries that one time or that Faith at one point
tried to take her body to Europe without her—she just used those
as excuses. Really she hates Faith because Faith is more fun and because
Faith attempted to make Angel her pet and when that didn’t work
she slept with Riley (and hey, at least she had the decency to wait until
she was wearing Buffy’s skin) and then went to LA after learning
some valuable things about herself and made nice with Angel again. Which
really made Buffy mad. Because Buffy’s a strong woman, and
if she can’t be around Angel, no woman should. Strong women
always define themselves by their men and the women trying to schtup them
when their backs are turned, it’s just a fact. Also, Buffy’s
pissed that instead of moping around like a proper Slayer about her burden
and her habit of killing people, Faith instead ran around, finding the
fun, torturing Wesley and enjoying movie nights in the state pen. Stupid
How is it that Giles, Wood, Xander, Dawn, et alles can now easily
knock down and kill Ubies? And how were they (the ubies) being so easily
dusted via stake in the final battle? Wasn’t it not too long ago
that Buffy couldn’t stake one and a single Ubie kicked her ass 9
ways to Sunday?
Geez, have you people never heard of creative, dramatic license?
Besides, you couldn’t have a bunch of young girls being torn apart by a
bunch of demons, right? What kind of message would that send? Besides the
one they’ve been sending all season?
You didn’t answer the question.
Fine. The more ubies they made, the less ubie-making material they had
laying around, so the thinner and thinner their hides became. This
enabled people like Giles and Dawn to kick their asses, and made it much
easier for the empowered SiTs to tear them to shreds. Add to that the fact
that Buffy finally took a nap, and the outcome was a given. Everybody
does better at hand-to-hand and/or mass slaughter after a nap.
Where the hell did all those Ubies come from?
The Hellmouth, duh.
Where were they all those other times the hellmouth
Why were the Ubies wielding swords?
Well, Ubies learn faster than slayers, and they learned that it’s much
easier to kill someone with a blade or really sharp stick, rather than just
sort of picking them up and throwing them into things. Bravo Ubies,
But where the hell did they get the swords?
Under the sofa in hell.
There are stairs down to the Hellmouth?
Well, yeah. Didn’t you see them?
Who built them?
Why didn’t these stairs appear the first few times
the Hellmouth was opened? Wasn’t it and the seal just a big ole Ubie
Well, how do you know the stairs weren’t there? It’s not like anyone went
looking for them, right? It’s like the parable of the boy who couldn’t find
his socks, and they were right in front of him, but he didn’t see them until
he yelled “where are my socks” ten times or so, and then as soon as the
put upon servant girl appeared BAM, there they were? Well, the stairs are
kind of like that. They were there, you just couldn’t see them. Try
picking your pants up off the floor and looking before you yell next time,
Never mind. And you’re right, they weren’t there. The ubies
decided to build the stairs since popping up like pez was getting hard on
their knees. They’re quite resourceful, don’t you think?
Speaking of the dispenser, how come it didn’t open with all of Jonathon’s blood, but
it opened with the teensiest bit of blood from
Xander’s sucking intestinal wound?
The seal was all warmed up. Revvin’ to go. Filled to the brim with
ubies and ready to pop. And it felt kind of sorry for Xander up there,
tied to a rack, watching Buffy tend to Spike before him…so it thought, what
the hell? He needs some cheerin’ up, let’s give the boy an ubie. It’s sort
of like the Hellmouth’s version of a big, shiny balloon with sharp teeth
and a penchant for blood.
Why did Angel come back, exactly?
Besides the fact that we don’t hear the term “champion” enough over on
Buffy and the writers wanted an organic way to bring it over, Buffy, being
the Slayer, wasn’t good enough to defeat the evil herself. Therefore
her ex-boyfriend Angel had to come save the day with the necklace, and quite
a famous one from Wolfram and Hart’s deus ex machina collection at that,
so Spike could be redeemed while being forced to wear tacky costume jewelry.
Quite fabulous really, we thought.
Why the hell didn’t those dumbasses do the empowering
spell before they went down into the Hellmouth?
Maybe Buffy thought that if the spell didn’t work, seeing an assload
of deadly creatures in bad clothes would kick the adrenalin into high.
An empowering spell? The hell? How was it that
this magical axe thing could shoot out power to everybody anyway?
about that necklace. That was convenient. Was it made specially for the
day when a vampire with a soul (not Angel) would wear it when a bunch
of Ubies were trying to escape from the hellmouth?
But Buffy’s plan didn’t even take the necklace
into account. She figured the ten or so girls hanging around, once magically
powered up by the handy axe, would be able to kick the asses of about 30
million Ubies, only one of which she herself had trouble killing only weeks
Lucky about that necklace then, huh?
What IS it with Buffy and guys without a pulse?
Well you know what they say…once you go dead--no, even we have too much
taste to finish that.
Okay, so what was the First’s plan?
Well, first it was to devour them from their bottoms. Then it was
to sluff off this mortal coil. Then it was to sit around and watch reruns
of Joanie Loves Chachi on TV Land. But after 10 episodes of Joanie’s
whining, it was driven once again to devour people from their bottoms and
came up with the Ubervamp plan. Realizing that it wasn’t really the most
effective way of doing anything, it then came up with the “a lot of Ubies”
And how did Caleb make it down into the freakish lady’s crypt? And get behind her?
He tiptoed in, employing the infamous Elmer Fudd method of “being vewy,
vewy quiet, we’re hunting Slayers” method.
What wasn’t it time
for, in regards to Spike?
To make the funnel cake—it was still
busy kicking Andrew’s ass. This may sound kind of silly and all,
and one may question what it has to do with one's bottom being devoured
but, if it makes you feel any better, it was an evil funnel cake.
And how again did Spike getting a soul give that
bitch, I mean Buffy, what she deserves?
Obviously, she deserved to have a magic necklace save her from a poorly
thought out and executed plan.
Was that Joyce or the FE freaking
Dawn out? And what did it mean by “Buffy won’t choose
you”? Because Buffy didn’t take her down into the Hellmouth?
One would think one's dead fake mother would be happy that one's fake
older sister wants one to survive an apocalypse, right?
Oh, that was Joyce, but try to remember, just because she’s dead, doesn’t
mean she’s sane. And it’s not like she was lying. Buffy didn’t choose
Dawn. Well, she chose her to be chloroformed and taken to a galaxy far,
far away, but she didn’t choose her to join the slaughter. And she
didn’t choose to pay attention to her, instead focusing all of her attention
on the cannon fodder, and it may not seem like a valuable message and it
seems kind of silly that Joyce went through all that just to drop off that
memo, but how many times has your mother called just to rat out something
a sibling said/did to you? Some habits are just hard to break, even
when you’re dead.
Speaking of Joyce, what was up with dream Joyce
telling Buffy people were inherently evil and that she couldn’t win and
to get some sleep? Huh?
What, as a parent you’ve never wanted to fuck with your kid, given all
the crap they put you through in their teen years? Yeah, we thought
If the First Evil could merge with people, why
the hell didn’t it just merge with Buffy? What, it needs permission?
It’s the freakin’ First!
Well, in a way you’re right. And gosh if it just wouldn’t have fit in beautifully
with the rest of the rape metaphors that have been tossed at us over the
last year, we’re totally with you there. But, seriously, think about
it—it’s Evil. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t have manners. Sheesh. What kind
of villain do you think it is, anyway?
So was there a reason the First Evil kept showing
up as Buffy? Was there a deeper meaning to this?
Sorry guys. While the whole evil, Buffy’s heart of darkness angle would
have been really cool, it really did just like her shiny bouncy hair.
Who was that freakish old lady?
Look, we thought this one was rather clear. There were the mean shadow men and then there were the nice old ladies. The old ladies lived in
this time zone, unlike the shadow men who lived in another plane of existence’s
time zone. Or something like that, truth be told we were kind of distracted
by Buffy’s boots and skirt at the time. So the mean shadow men tied
a girl to the earth and demonized her, and the nice old ladies watched.
The nice old ladies continued to assist the successive Slayers by watching.
And watching some more. Eventually this group of nice old ladies that
liked to watch got bored with this, moved to Sunnydale and forged the old
Space Scythe, which was used to destroy the last true demon, then buried
it in a bunch of rock underneath their pagan hall while they retired to their
unobtrusive pyramid crypt in the middle of a Sunnydale cemetery. There they
hung out and eventually died off, leaving the freakish old lady to talk
to herself and await the Slayer’s arrival to assist her by being cryptic.
Was it really about power?
Well, I guess in the end, it really was. Buffy had so much she was giving it away. Didn’t seem to be the edge they needed
to avert the apocalypse though. Maybe it was really about the magic necklace.
Why did they bring back
Amy and make her all bitter and angry? And have her spout that crap about
Look, she was held captive in a cage in Willow’s room, forced to run
on a wheel to amuse the sadistic redhead and fed cheese and mouse pellets
for three years when Red had the power to bring you back all along.
You’d be pretty pissed off too. In fact, you might just cast
a spell to turn someone who did this to you into the person who killed
your lover just because, even if it meant people might die. Oh,
stop making that face. You would too.
Hey, what are they going to do now?
Xander will travel the world, enlightening women everywhere
with his “Xander Harris, first you get the women” world strip tour, preaching
the wonders of money in memory of Anya between sets and doing the Snoopy
Dance by special request. He will also work the pirate patch for all
it’s worth. Chicks dig the pirate patch.
Andrew becomes Xander’s official dollar bill bundler and
personal assistant. Andrew digs the pirate patch too.
Willow will make out with Kennedy a lot. Because she’s
Kennedy will continue to be annoying and spoiled and make
out with Willow a lot. Because she too is gay.
Buffy will pine for Spike until the Big Yellow School Bus
of Goodness makes it to Cleveland where she will find comfort once again
in the arms of some new dead thing with a soul. She will struggle with the
concept that it is not all about her or Spike, but rather about the funnel
Dawn will finally realize her entire life is not real,
fall in with a bad crowd in a violent fit of ennui, take up smoking banana
peels and eventually be reunited with the Big Yellow School Bus of Goodness
when they make a stop in her crack alley to explain why people shouldn’t
smoke banana peels because it’s wrong.
Faith will hang up her catholic schoolgirl skirt and bullwhip
and settle into the back of the Big Yellow School Bus of Goodness with Principal
Principal Wood will miss the catholic schoolgirl skirt
Giles will continue to slowly recover from the paralyzing
lobotomy he suffered in the middle of season six while driving the Big Yellow
School Bus of Goodness. He will also show an amazing talent for making
fantastic bits of jewelry out of macaroni.
Also, check out our FAQ of seasons one through
six. And let us know if you have questions we didn't answer in the