beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah
season one > never kill a boy on the first date
Possibly there's more to this episode. Hmmm... Wait, just let me think a second. Something about an Annointed One maybe? I really just remember Owen. Better get out the DVD.
Backing up to the beginning, Buffy's in the cemetery, ridding the world of those pesky vampires. Remember when she used to slay them, rather than, uh-. Never mind, it's probably too far back for you to remember.
Anyway, Giles notices that the dusted vampire left his ring behind. For some reason, a vampire wearing jewelry strikes him as particularly odd and prophetic. Or possibly the writers were very lazy this week and needed more time to watch Diagnosis Murder reruns and drink lattes. They figured a fortune cookie ring was a magic plot point that would cause Giles to realize something big was up and to consult his books. I can just imagine the meeting when the writers broke this story:
Joss: OK, we need to come up with a reason for Giles to be all worried about some pending doom. Again. Something that keeps Buffy from dating... Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Various Writers: Well, we could brainstorm all day and night and write some elaborate plot that actually makes sense, but I was planning to have a manicure later. And I wanted to go out for a latte.
Intern Serving Coffee: A Prophetic Ring Of Pending Apocolypse?
Joss: Yes! Get this boy a writing contract! Everyone to Starbucks!
Next, we see Giles and Buffy in the library, trying to figure out the meaning of the idiotic ring. Did it ever cross their minds that maybe the vampire was just married? Giles exhausts years of knowledge and study, and comes up with nothing. Buffy opens a random book and flips the page open to a picture of the symbol on the ring. That's a handy talent. No wonder she ended up with such good grades, while never attending class. Especially if her tests were open book.
But all portents of doom are forgotten as Owen walks in, looking for his Emily. It's possible that a *coughcough* friend was inspired by this scene and wrote a slash fic with Owen and Angel quoting Emily Dickenson to each other, but I wouldn't swear to anything. And if asked later, I'll deny everything.
But then we find out Owen's last name is "Thurman." Why? It's not like that's his actual name and this is a documentary that the writers want to keep true to life. It's fiction! They're writing it as they go along. Could they have come up with a less sexy last name? In any case, I think of him as "Owen Cusack." No particular reason.
Anyway, Owen wants to meet Buffy at the Bronze later. Surely, this will end well. Buffy's romantic relationships are like fairy tales and laughter, cute puppies and ice cream pie. Except for that whole prophecy thing, some ancient order, some special night, which, gasp, just happens to be tonight. The same night as Buffy's date. Good thing they found that prophetic ring when they did. If they found it just one short night later, it would be too late. So, rather than mention to Owen, who I assume is still at school, that she can't make it, or might be late, she chooses instead to stand him up and pout.
Giles and Buffy hang out at the graveyard, waiting for the doom, until Giles realizes his calculations were wrong. Because apparently "tonight" must mean "tonight before 10pm" or something. I think he just wants to go drink some Guinness and is tired of her whining, vampire sects be damned. Which, I imagine, they generally already are.
Anyway, Buffy gets to the bronze just in time to see Owen dancing with Cordelia, so she goes home. Just go with it. I know it makes no sense.
Meanwhile, vampires crash a bus and start killing people. This does not bode well for our heroine.
The next day, Owen buys Buffy's lame-o story about not having clocks in her house and they decide to try again. If someone gave me that excuse, I would have slowly edged away and gotten the person some lithium. But, fortunately, I'm not Owen, because then I'd be a character in a TV show who only appears for one freaking episode, and I don't know if that's what I want to be when I grow up.
Anyway, when he shows up at her house, Giles is already there because he saw the bus accident story in the newspaper and he thinks they should investigate the funeral home where the bodies are being kept. Owen and Buffy skip out and Giles investigates on his own. He manages to hold off some vampires with a big cross. They run in terror. Remember when that actually worked and they didn't just bat the crosses away and scoff? The good 'ole days.
Owen and Buffy go to the Bronze, and suddenly, Angel shows up! And Xander! And Willow! It's a whole party!
And here, once again, we are reminded of the familiar theme: Buffy's duty to protect mankind clashing with her desire to just be a normal girl. Poor, poor Buffy. My heart cries. Owen even says she's like two people. Oh, if he only knew.
Angel's Mr. cryptic guy again, doling out random prophecy tidbits. Where does he get all this information? Does he have the Master's lair bugged? Does he sit in a van in the sewer like the lone gunmen before they died, listening for new evil to crop up? Because that would be really consipicous. But Giles seems to have to do research and read books, and see signs, and hop on one foot backwards for ten minutes just to get an idea about some potential evil somewhere, possibly in Sunnydale, maybe that night, possibly there's just a Marilyn Manson concert coming to town. But, Angel, he just knows things. Another interesting contrast to down the road, when he's all, Wesley, look in your books, my part is the fighting. Bah.
Sorry, where were we?
Willow and Xander add some hilarious fun by pretending they spontaneously decided to date and couldn't think of a better way to start things off right than to double with Buffy and Owen. At the funeral home. Or, possibly not so much hilarious fun as annoying. Couldn't Willow have come in, pulled Buffy aside under the pretext of "girl issues" and told her that Giles was in trouble? But, what hilarious fun would we have then?
Buffy finally gets the hint and decides to leave Owen at the bronze and go off with Willow and Xander. He, of course, sneaks along behind them. Is this guy just looking for abuse or what? If I were him (again, see above about how I'm actually not), I would forget the girl who's blown me off twice, and go find that Cordelia chick who seems to be in a distinctly non-blow off mood. But of course, he doesn't. He believed that whole clock story, after all.
Buffy finds Giles who says that he's not sure exactly what the deal is with the Annointed One, that it's all very vague. Huh. Maybe Buffy should have listened a bit more to Angel, he who knows all, since he apparently got the whole scoop from the "we bug the underground churches, so you don't have to read those musty books" agency.
Willow and Xander try to keep Owen, the loser tagalong, busy in an office, but then a freakish guy from the bus wreck, now dead, starts walking around babbling about pork and beans. Owen is squicked. I mean, pork and beans? Who wouldn't be.
Pork and Beans goes after Buffy and brave, valiant Owen rushes to save her. The vamp knocks him out, but Buffy, not the shiniest tombstone in the crypt, thinks he's dead. Her one chance at normal girlhood dashed! She turns on the destroyer of her hopes and dreams. Willow starts to tell Buffy that Owen is still of the living, but Xander perpetrates the Great Lie for Buffy's greater good. He keeps Willow's information from Buffy so that she'll be strong, focused, and able to save the world. Again. What? That was a different time? Oh, well, never mind then.
Moving on. A punch here, a jab there, and the vamp becomes a crispy treat.
Owen wanders off, all hit on the head-like, and Buffy gets all whiny that he didn't want to go for ice cream to finish off their great date. Because it is, after all, all about her.
The next day, Owen asks Buffy out again for a let's cheat death again experience. They can start fights in bars! Walk down dark alleys! She'll all, dude, I do that enough as it is. I don't need another round of it during my off time. And then mopes. See, she liked him because with him she could be a normal girl. But once he got the taste of danger, he was having none of that normal girl stuff. He wanted to date danger girl, which sort of defeated the purpose for her.
Oh, supposedly she dumped him for his own safety, so we could pretend it wasn't all about her, but what would be the fun in that?
Anyway, she pats herself on the back for defeating the Anointed One as we see the Master welcome a little kid from the bus wreck as said One. Apparently Pork and Beans was just some random guy that got vamped. Wow, a little kid vampire. Just like in that Anne Rice movie. I bet he's going to do some scary scary stuff. I can't wait to see it.
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