beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah

 

 

 

 

But I know you're all stupid. I shouldn't have abandoned you.

Top Ten Better Ways to Ship Off That British Guy

 

 

Season Six did many things to offend us and our senses.  Awful sex that no one enjoyed. (Well, almost no one. Apparently Spike liked it.)  Horrible lesbian jokes about buckets of chicken and Willow being a "breast girl".  Xander's wardrobe. (OK, so that's not necessary new to season six.)  Metaphors so heavy they could sink a whale. Dodging them every week we felt that like dorky kid in The Pack that cool Xander and friends, I mean, the hyenas, pelted with dodge balls.  Anya's hair.  But offensive as these were, none of these compare to the most egregious of sins committed upon the Buffy watchers of the world.  No, nothing -- not even Willow's evil black hair and eyes -- could top the way they wrote off Giles.

 

We're sorry, he left so she could stand on her own two feet?  Joss and company, you not only do your character a disservice, but we delusional people as well. Anything would have been better than the way he was written off.

 

And so, in case you, like us, would feel better about the whole thing if you just made up a different scenario in your head and pretended it was the actual scenario in the, er, pretend make-believe plot, we give you:

 

Top Ten better ways to ship off that British guy

 

I should probably interject here that I may be a little biased. I started watching the show in season two specifically because of Anthony Stewart Head. He won me over in those damn Taster's Choice commercials. He is the best thing about about the show (followed closely by Oz, followed closely by early seasons Willow, followed closely by evil season two Spike). I may be looking back with rose-colored glasses, but every scene with Giles in it was absolutely brilliant. When he left the show, there was a big gaping hole that dwarfed everything else that happened. So there. -SP

 


 

 

10.  Giles, realizing he's always known that he was a woman trapped in a prissy, tweed-clad body, goes to England to prepare for his transformation. [This one is, of course, ridiculous, because Giles is not at all prissy. He's damn hot. Especially when he embraces his inner Ripper. And since he's done away with that tweed. He tried the tweed. He realized it just wasn't him. He's more a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy really. Or possibly a pajamas guy, or maybe... I probably should go think quietly somewhere by myself now, huh. -SP] [pris.sy. - ST]

 

 

9. The "I'm a breast woman" joke still rattling his poor nerves, Giles hears one more declaration of Willow's gayness and fondness for lesbian-type sex and runs screaming for West Hollywood.  At least there they're comfortable with their hot gay lovin' and don't feel the need to remind everyone about it every three seconds.

 

 

8. Ethan, after a night of drunken soul-searching that involved listening to "The Old Crowd" over and over, escapes the Initiative and desperately attempts to reunite the old gang, ignoring the fact that most of them are now dead and the only one surviving he tried to kill three years running.  Ethan hunts down Giles.  Giles, skeptical at first, is worn down by Ethan's disturbing declarations of love and his own recently rekindled feelings of lust for his fellow Brit.  Knowing that Willow would probably want to hang out with them all the time for gay affirmation parties and gay now breakfasts, he leaves for London with his new lover.  They buy a home, reaffirm their new gayness by calling each other cute pet names like "Rippy-poo" and "Rayney-boy", and make jokes about how they're ass men now.

 

 

7. Giles moves to Vermont to open a llama farm, thereby living out his lifelong dream. Or at least his lifelong dream since living in Sunnydale - one of peace, quiet, and animals with long necks.

 

I had very definite plans about my future. I was going to be a fighter pilot. Or possibly a grocer.

6. Dissatisfied with Watching, Giles gives it up for the glorious life of the bag checker, soon to be promoted to grocery checker.  He feels it is his sacred duty to fulfill this calling he felt as a child. Unable to stand on his feet hours on end (remember that watching did require a lot of sitting after all), he heads off to England where they allow their checkers to sit down.  Buffy is sad, but realizes this is something he has to do.  She understands the whole calling thing.

 

5. Giles, unable to deal with the death and resurrection of his charge, finds himself going a bit wonky.  After he tries to kill Dawn, with much cheering from the audience, the Scooby Gang pulls their shit together long enough to have him committed. They lock up Dawn while they're there, because hey, the place had an extra room and Giles needed company! He reappears every so often for a "very special episode."

 

4. The singing demon, finding Xander not the least bit attractive, takes Giles instead to be his very own underworld bitch. [ST seems particularly fond of this one. -SP]

 

3. Giles, concussed once again, finally wakes up in a coma.

 

2. A pack of howler monkeys visit Giles to tell him that he was adopted and they've come to take him home. Suddenly all those urges to swing from the trees while sitting in the graveyard giving Buffy pointers make sense.

 

1. Giles, trying to step up to the plate and save the life of his oft-dead slayer, throws himself in the way of an assassin demon's weapon, thereby exiting the show in a noble and befitting fashion.

 

Think Giles left the show in entirely the proper fashion? Have you own ideas of a better way to write him off? Let us know in the forums.

 

09.02.02