beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah






Note to the sensitive types among our readers (although why sensitive types would be our readers, I'm not really sure, other than a really wrong turn at google):


The article you are about to read is a joke. Just us, poking a little fun. We love Willow. We've always loved Willow. Categorically. Well, except maybe when she was all "I'm hooked on the bad magic smack" and then when she did the whole "I'm a breast woman" shtick, because sheesh, we get already. You're GAY!


But mostly, we love her. Tara too. In fact, sometimes, we've loved Tara even more than Willow. After all, she was more concerned about Willow abusing the power of magic and she sure never felt the need to wax philosophical over certain pieces in buckets of chicken, just to make sure everyone was on board with her sexuality.


But moving on, as this note might end up longer than the actual article. Sure, we hoped Willow was loving the person, not the gender, when she chose to switch teams, but hey, we don't agree with lots of ME's choices.


This article is our way of embracing the pain of our dashed hopes. It's in no way meant to marginalize the fake TV feelings that Willow feels for women. Or for cut up chicken parts.






Why Willow has always been gay, always will be gay, and thinks boys are yucky: a comprehensive guide to the clues evident throughout seven seasons



"Willow's gay. It just takes some people awhile to realize it." -Joss Whedon

Joss has been getting a lot of shit lately over statements he's made regarding Willow and her gayness. We may have even dished some out--quite a bit of it actually, and for that we'd like to say that we're truly sorry. We were on board with Willow loving someone for the person, not the gender (a regular boy, werewolf, a woman), but not with Willow being the gayest gay gal in gaytown since the day she was born. We reacted poorly, and we were wrong. And Joss we'd like to publicly apologize to you, right here, right now. We're sorry for calling you an idiot.


Dumbass. Ignoramus. Crackhead.


And, you know, whatever else might have come out after a bottle of wine.


Why this public about face? And why do we think you should follow suit and prostrate yourself before the greatness that is ME and beg forgiveness for questioning them?


Because we were wrong. All of us. Seriously. Willow's gay. Gayer than gay. Gayer than the guy at Timberline in the daisy dukes and boa. Always has been. Always will be. She never loved Oz. She never loved Xander. Willow was never heterosexual, guys. She's been gay all along and we, along with Willow, were just in denial.

The clues were right there under our noses, and we're not talking about Vamp!Willow from the Wishverse, we're talking about real clues--dating all the way back to the first season. (Besides, Vamp!Willow played for both teams, Willow plays for one. She's gay, folks.) Not convinced? Give us five minutes of your time, ten if I'm feeling really verbose, to wander through the psyche of our beloved Ms. Rosenberg and see if you can still wave the "What about Oz?" flag by the time we're done.


Without further ado, we present our non-thesis non-paper, single spaced and 12 pt font for your comfort on:


Why Willow has always been gay, always will be gay, and thinks boys are yucky: a comprehensive guide to the clues evident throughout seven seasons


Evidence of Willow's gayness harkens back all the way to the first season. The reason we missed it was that ME was so damn clever about it. For those of you so jaded by the recent onslaught of anvils and after school specials masquerading as Buffy episodes that you can't believe ME could be that clever, please remember that we're talking about the crew that planned two years in advance (albeit poorly) for Dawn's arrival, and that these people used to be extremely good at subtext (before they gave up and just settled for text. Which we can't, technically, fault them for. That's a lot of work, coming up with subtext all the time. They got tired. It happens to us all.). Rather than hit their viewers over the head, as they might opt (and often do) to do now, they elected to rely on their viewers' intelligence. It was all about understanding the creature that was Willow. Willow, the shy one. Willow the quiet one. Willow, the "grew up in a strict household with a psychiatrist mother who knew she would never be accepted as gay" one. Confused, she convinced herself she was heterosexual, and proceeded to put all she had into a crush on one Alexander LaVelle Harris.


Now, I know what you're thinking. "Hey, Willow loved Xander! She loved him for years!" But, see, that's the beauty of it. The subtlety. Willow always knew, on some level, that she could never have Xander, he being the typical high school teenager who always dreamed of something greater than what was in front of him (ie his jonesing for the Slayer). Willow knew it was fruitless. Ergo, he was safe--a male she could fixate on convincingly, given their close friendship, while struggling with her identity as a gay woman. And please, what straight woman would fall for Xander in high school? That hair. Those clothes. Looking back now, it's so obvious.


Throughout season two, Willow began to come to terms with her sexuality, though not consciously, and ME was right there with her, dropping in moments of quiet beauty. There were no "gay now"-s. There were no anti-penis jokes, no "hot gay lovin'" jokes, and no "I'm a breast girl comments". There was just Willow. In Some Assembly Required, Willow quickly, too quickly some might say, said no and averted her gaze when invited to check out a cheerleader's legs. A classic example of trying too hard, scrambling to prove beyond a doubt that you don't think of such things--much like a gay man might talk loudly about breasts and smash beer cans on his head to prove his heterosexuality before coming out (oh Larry, how we miss you).



Plaid flannel. The clothing of choice for a heterosexual teenage girl? I think not.

Compare this to later in the season, during Bad Eggs, when a very gay and more confident Willow smirked smugly to herself while the rest of her health class worried about teen pregnancy. Beginning to understand the benefits of gay love--no pregnancy scares, someone who understands that time of the month--she slowly began to come to terms with who she was, and is. And the beauty of all this? Nothing was said, it was all contained in Willow's knowing smile.


Later she discovered the Xander and Cordelia romance. Many people erroneously believed that Willow was upset because of her love for Xander and was outraged at our fair carpenter--how could he choose to be with Cordelia over her? In reality, Willow came to recognize that that leggy, sassy cheerleader would never be hers, a crushing realization coming so soon after her epiphany that gay love rocks. And so she regressed. Perhaps it wasn't so great after all, this gay love thing, if seeing the head cheerleader making out with your beard hurt so much. Perhaps she should go back to the other team.


Enter Oz. Oz, a musician, automatically upped Willow's cool factor. What high school girl with overbearing parents wouldn't want to date a musician, secretly gay or no (or openly gay for that matter! No one could possibly resist Oz)? And so the Willow/Oz relationship was started on purely selfish grounds. Now don't hate Willow for this behavior, she was ignored by men and women alike, and along came Oz bearing thoughtfulness and adoration. She was confused and questioning her gayness. All of her friends were dating while she sat home alone on Saturday nights. Willow's need to fit in drove her into the arms of a man. We cannot fault her decision. We, in fact, would switch teams if necessary for Oz. So while we don't condone this behavior, using an adorable, caring musician to bury the gay woman screaming inside of her, we also do not condemn her for it.


With the onset of the Willow/Oz relationship, there was an extended period of time where Willow did successfully live the heterosexual dream and forgot that penises were merely oddities there to drive her into the arms of women. She walked the walk, she talked the talk, she even managed, for a short period of time, to convince herself that maybe she could do this. She could date boys. She could experience this great, non-gay lovin'. But then, Oz held out. And she began, once again, to question the worthiness and usefulness of boys. Her quiet desperation for Oz to kiss her could be taken as normal teen lust on the surface, but looking deeper one can see if for the desperate panic attack it was. What if he knew she was gay? What if he didn't want to kiss her because he could tell she was gay? What if her friends found out? That she was gay? Would they still love her? Would Buffy still fight in those short skirts around her? Would she still be allowed to play in the Scooby Gang? (Note how the writers, in a nice touch of continuity, went back to this theme in season four, when Willow's unsureness of how her friends would react to her having a girlfriend caused her to pull away from her friends and, in fact, hide Tara's existence from them for a time.)


People may, at this point, point to season three, when Willow dated not one, but two men. Fine. But humor us. In homage of Season 1-3 Buffy, let's look deeper. Was Willow juggling two men because her heart couldn't decide? Or was Willow juggling two men in an attempt to sabotage both relationships? To add to this, Willow still smarted from seeing Cordelia with Xander. Timing her kiss with Xander perfectly, she was not only able to effectively put an end to her trysts with Oz and Xander, but to repay Cordy back some of the hurt she'd felt in season two. Though some may turn their noses up at this theory, let's remember that it was Willow herself who claimed that she could be callous and strange. To a young, confused, hurt teenager this was the ultimate scenario for revenge: revenge on Oz for holding out on her and for not being a woman, revenge on Xander for ignoring her and choosing others, and revenge on Cordy for, well, being Cordy. However, in scheming to hurt Cordy, she once again put up an obstacle on her path to reaching hot gay lovin'. Crushed that she'd never be with the pinnacle of the cheerleading pyramid now (and we're all just a little bit grateful for that), she questioned her actions and immediately returned to Oz.



Oz, the one thing she knew was safe in the crazy topsy turvy turmoil inside her head. (Because after all, she couldn't get any from Buffy either. In Bad Girls, she tried to woo Buffy with a "protection spell" only to be cast aside for Faith. No Buffy/Faith action for Willow. Thus spurned, she took comfort in Oz, who only spurned her three nights a month when the moon was full. And even then, it was only because of his urge to chase rabbits.) And once again, he wouldn't put out. At this point, Willow started to wonder if being straight was really worth it. Who wouldn't? After all, in her eyes, straight people never get any! She saw her best friend get some for one night only with slightly disastrous results and no hope of more, Xander neck with Cordy for a year and never get anywhere, and now Oz was holding out on her.


Finally, at the end of season three, Oz gave it up. Willow was introduced to the penis.


Is it really a coincidence that Willow came out in the very next season? We don't think so. And need we really go any further?


Fine, if we must, we must. Any woman worth her salt knows that it takes time and practice before any good comes out of sex. Willow, being book smart, knew this and tried her best. And, once again, for awhile everything seemed right. Maybe those lesbian urges were just a phase. Maybe she didn't really love Buffy in "that way". Maybe it would be okay and her mother would love her.


And then along came Veruca. As you can see, Het!Will never really stood a chance. There were too many factors, too much in the way. Add to this the fact that she was gay, and Willow and Oz never really had a fair shot. Sensing this, Oz turned towards a woman who would understand him--one into animal urges rather than women. His leaving did leave an empty place in Willow's heart and was a crushing blow, we don't want to discount this. But the tears in Willow's eyes as he drove away were not just out of sorrow for Oz, but also for her dream of being "normal" dying. When Oz walked out that door, he took the last vestiges of Willow's heterosexualness with him.


Enter Tara. Willow didn't have to pretend with boys any longer. Although she seemed to grow rather attached to chicken parts.






We hesitate to suggest this, but tell us what you think in the discussion forums.