beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah
















 

 

 

Angel 5.22: Not Fade Away


In an episode riddled with death and mayhem, I found myself offended the most by the killing of Lindsey. Screw Wes, screw the mortally wounded Gunn, screw Angel’s “champion”heroics, screw the implications of basically planning to commit suicide after pissing off the Senior Partner’s, leaving the world to deal with your final hissy fit, and screw the fact that Spike survived. Nobody cares. But the soul-less demon Harmony, who full on turns them over to Hamilton in some form of immaculate treason (people, she knew NOTHING) gets to walk out with a recommendation, and soul-having Lindsey is shot point blank by a pacifist because he's "not part of the solution"? What, since Angel couldn’t have him, no one could? Stupid show.

 

In protest of Lindsey’s death, I refuse to say anything nice about Angel. And I shall endeavor to say at least one nice thing about Spike. This should give you an inkling as to how annoyed I am. I’m sorry, but why bring a character back for no other reason than "gee, it'd be neat!" and then kill him? Did ME learn nothing from Amy the normal girl/the good witch/the rat/the evil jealous witch? I mean, at least give him good hair!

 

So stupid-head Angel, heretofore referred to as Dumbass, has this brilliant plan to murder the members of the Black Thorn Circle or Society or whatever. Why? To save the world? To vanquish evil once and for all? To prove that he is the dumbest dumbass that ever did walk this earth? Because he’s too much of a baby to off himself so he wants to take the easy way out and let the hordes of hell do it for him? (see Amends. No, on second thought, don’t.) No, mostly he just really, really, really wants to annoy the wolf ram and hart. So he asks his buds and lifelong pals to assist in this noble, hopeless cause, tells them they probably won’t survive and gives them a day off. Cuz he’s a cool boss like that.

 

Wesley chooses to spend his final day on Earth tending to Illyria’s wounds and getting into a philosophical discussion on lying and illusions and it’s all just bull crap so Wes can set himself up to die by saying that he has no plans to die.

 

Gunn spends his day in the hood –hey everybody, remember the ‘hood? Remember when Gunn lived in the ‘hood? And had friends in the ‘hood? And remember that one time, in the ‘hood, when Gunn told Angel they’d never be friends because Angel was a vampire and by default everything Gunn stood against? Okay, they weren’t so much in the hood as just hanging out on a street corner in downtown LA, but remember? *sigh* good times. Anyway, Gunn helps Anne (formerly Lily, formerly Chanterelle, formerly Sister Sunshine) load a truck of furniture and kitchen stuff for a new shelter. He helps Anne load a truck of furniture and kitchen stuff.

 

Lorne karaokes.

 

Spike does not choose to spend his last day prank calling Buffy as I would have guessed, but goes the mature route and instead ends up at a dive bar that has poetry slams and gets drunk before reading the effulgent poem he wrote for Cecily that we first heard in “Fool for Love”.

 

 

Well, you get a little speechy, all right? And I breeze out. I got the Cliff Notes—honor and humanity.

 

 

Dumbass has a stupid meeting with Lindsey about the stupid plan in a stupid conference room in the middle of stupid W&H. What is this, Alias? Did Harmony even need to turn the guys in? Because it seems to me that the fang gang’s doing a pretty swell job on their own, which really just lends credence to my “Angel is a dumbass”theory. Are we supposed to believe that W&H, crazy suspicious evil bastards that they are, don’t have their stupid conference rooms supernaturally tapped?

After he’s done judging Lindsey and condemning him to death, like, way to go you former ex-mass murderer, Dumbass goes to visit Connor at college. In the middle of the day. Sitting near a window. With sunlight glistening off of his stylish highlights. The whole city isn’t necro-tempered out just for you, Dumbass. But I digress. Connor lets him know that he knows that Dumbass’his dad. He offers to help Connor write a resume even though Dumbass’never even really held down a job (champion does not count, motherfuckers) and has certainly never done a resume. Connor calls Dumbass a girl for having nice writing.

 

Lindsey, accompanied by his horrible hair, spends his day macking on a couch with Eve in what appears to be a W&H conference room. Because that makes sense. He ironically waxes poetic that she’s the one thing of his that Dumbass never had, and I feel for the man. If Dumbass has been stalking him and stealing his toys all these years, the man certainly has a right to want revenge. For her part, Eve kindly does not tell Lindsey that Dumbass actually had her. Which is sweet, and all. Considering he dies later.

 

Harmony spends her day in bed with Hamilton, telling him all about Dumbass’super duper secret plan. Which she knows nothing about.

 

Once they’ve all had their special days, they regroup so they can be assigned their marks and so Lorne can announce that he'll do one last favor for Dumbass and then he's gone and they sbouldn't bother looking for him. We are then treated to a montage of everyone fighting the good fight:

 

 

Illyria carjacks Izzy the devil and some others in a car outside of a restaurant. She then goes to the aid of Wesley who is at

 

the demon-formerly-known-as-Nancy-Boy's house (aka Sebassisas), blathering on a bit about how he wants to take Dumbass’spot because Dumbass is clearly unstable, and it looks like the big S is buying it until Wes tosses a wee little fireball at him, breaking the mood. They fight, S taunts Wes’lack of wizardry and Wes manages to get himself shivved. If only he’d cut off the stupid air supply, a la Dumbass in Origin. Dumbasses.

 

Illyria comes trotting in as fast as that tight little get up will allow her, and kneels at crazy Wesley’s side and turns into Fred for him one last creepy time. Because that’s what he wanted. Lies. Beautiful, bad lies. The psycho. She then goes after the big S and puts a fist through his head.

 

Gunn, grabbing the plum assignment of the Senator chick and her vampire goons, marches on into election headquarters and makes with the slaughter. He works the stake-fu for awhile before putting an axe through the Senator’s head. He then goes back to the stake-fu and we cut to

 

Lindsey does all the sword work while Lorne sort of, I don’t know, hangs out and watches. And maybe sings. It’s unclear. Then, as Lindsey is washing blood off of his hands and talking fondly of being on a team and how great it is, Lorne warns him that being on the team is not all that and it’s unsavory and not his kind of work and then he takes out a gun and shoots Lindsey. To Lorne’s credit, he looks positively ill to be doing so, so I feel for the little green dude. Apparently this was Dumbass’final request to Lorne. And while I’m angry that he shot Lindsey and didn’t have a “run. Run as fast as you can my little lamb and never darken this city again with your bad hair. And take your boring girlfriend with you”moment I don’t blame him for it, nor do I fault him for leaving the group and not continuing the battle in the alley. Because the group? Has been ass to him. They subjected him to repeated performances of Mandy by Angel, they destroyed his bar, and then Dumbass asks him to kill Lindsey when Dumbass knows that Lorne didn’t like Pylea because he wasn’t into the whole warrior thing. With friends like those? I’d leave them in a dark alleyway with a dragon too.

 

Lindsey manages to throw one last hissy fit of indignation over being killed by a lackey rather than Dumbass and meanwhile, Spike is off saving the little baby from a few episodes back and mowing down the Frell brethren.

 

Finally, we have Dumbass versus Hamilton. Dumbass gets his ass kicked and thrown around a lot until Connor shows up and they double team Hamilton. Eventually Dumbass hops on Hamilton and feeds off his magic blood. And breaks his neck. Oh, and he killed the Archduke by poisoning the dude's little demon guy that pours his veins out as a cocktail. So there you go. The bad circle jerk guys? They are dead.

 

 

Come on. You drop by for a cup of coffee, and the world's not ending? Please.

 

 

Then the building begins arumbling, Dumbass tells Eve to clear out because, like, she’d totally hang out there when he was trying to piss off the partners, and then grabs a sword and jaunts on down to the alley behind the old Hyperion hotel, where he is greeted by Spike, Illyria and a probably mortally-wounded Gunn. A bunch of what appear to be really angry monks head down the alley way towards them and a dragon flies overhead. And that, really, is all I have to say about that. Good bye, Dumbass. Don’t let the hordes of hell smack you on the ass on the way out.

 

 

OK. You take the 30,000 on the left...

 

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