beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah

 

 

 

Honestly--what is that?

 

 







 

 

It got a little sexy, didn't it?


 



 

 



 

season three   >  Dopplegangland

 

For the record, I currently have Wyclef’s “stripper song” stuck in my head, and I’d like to apply it here. Because just because she’s a bisexual vampire ho ho, that don’t make Willow a lesbian, yo. Call up my mama and tell her I’m in love with a kinky vampire, yo.

 

‘kay, so maybe that doesn’t quite work. Whatever. It’s a catchy song, dammit. And actually, the lesson here is really more about being grateful that you’re not a psychotic, bisexual vampire but rather an underappreciated math geek than not judging skanky vampires dressed in leather by their covers, because hey. Therefore but for the grace of getting bit, right?

 

 

Do you have any idea how boring twelfth graders are?

 

Playing off of The Wish, a fantabulous episode, Anya coerces Willow into playing with the black naughty evil so she can look for her magic necklace under the sofa in hell. Unfortunately, they find Vamp!Willow and accidentally transport her to their dimension instead. They don’t realize it at first, being too busy arguing about chicken’s feet and whether or not magic is a toy (Willow, honey, pot. Kettle. Black.) Anya, refreshingly not a simpering, mad-hungry idiot, calls Willow a child and tells her to take off. I like this Anya. It’s a damn shame this Anya didn’t stick around. A damn shame.

 

This Anya is bitter because she’s flunking math, D’Hoffryn won’t give her her powers back and she’s 1200 years old or so and completely incapable of getting a beer. Willow, the bitch, has no sympathy. Probably because she sort of has no idea at this point that Anya’s 1200 years old and jonesing for a Miller Lite. But I sort of bet she wouldn’t care anyway. She’s all wrapped up in Willow this time ‘round. Willow’s taken for granted. Willow’s forced to do Percy’s homework because he’s an athletic stud and she’s a doormat (a mistake easily made, actually, mostly due to the pink monstrosity of a fuzzball that she is calling a sweater this episode. It could easily be mistaken for a demented doormat, that’s all I’m sayin’). Xander and Buffy think she’s a dependable geyser person, rather than a wild and wacky bisexual evil vampire type exciting person. It is not easy being Willow, my friends.

 

 

You're lazy, self-involved and spoiled. That's quite the challenge.

 

 

While Willow!Willow mopes about, Vamp!Willow wanders the Dale confused. Some of the Mayor’s hit-vamps try to take her out mistakenly believing she’s the non-saucy redhead, because the newly evil Faith sort of tipped him off that Willow was breaking into his personal files. The lack of security on each and every computer system in Sunnydale, whether government or private sector, is truly appalling. Truly. Vampie goes to the Bronze, because as you remember, I’m sure, in her reality it was sort of her cozy little home. Her cozy little home with jail cells and puppies. Sadly, she doesn’t find these creature comforts, but instead runs into a very surprised Buffy and Xander, who assume Willow changed to humor them. Which, really, is just fabulous of them to assume. Vampie blows that popsicle stand, because it’s totally for squares now. Buffy and Xander go grieve at the library with Giles over their fallen homie. There are no 40s of a malt beverage involved, but still, it’s a very sad vibe.

 

So, yeah, the Mayor decided to take out the little hacker Willow. Because he could. Unfortunately, his stupid henchvamps somehow mistook the hot mamacita in the tight leather bondage outfit for someone who typically walks around in fuzzy sweaters from hell. An easy mistake to make, especially if one’s spent the better part of a century stuck in a coffin buried deep in the earth, which I’ll just sort of assume these vampires did.

 

Vamp!Willow takes their asses down and assembles her very own posse. Her posse takes over the Bronze, where Oz is playing, and wackiness ensues. Actually, the moment Oz believes Willow’s been turned is fabulous. His face falls, something resembling an actual emotion crosses his face and he gets all butch, ordering Angel out the skylight to get the posse. *sigh* Too bad she never really loved him, eh?

 

Right. Moving on. Oz sends Angel out of the skylight or something to alert the others to his honey’s predicament. Meanwhile, the real Willow arrives at the library and is accosted by all and sundry. Angel bursts on into the library and a bit more wackiness ensues.

 

Anya, beerless, happens to be at the Bronze and figures out what’s the what. That’s right. A newly re-human 1200 year old stranger who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about humans and who doesn’t even know Willow figures out that it’s not Willow!Willow but Vamp!Willow. Sad, yes? Anyway, because she’s still sort of deliciously evil here, she sort of goads evil vamp!willow into being eviler and doing her thang. This Anya has no issues with taking people down. And god bless her for it.

 

V!Willow slaughters some people, or maybe one person named Sandy, while the rest of the gang comes up with a brilliant plan involving storming the Bronze without a plan. Luckily, Vamp!Willow and Anya hatched an even more brilliant plan to make Willow!Willow help them out! So Vamp!Willow went to fetch Willow!Willow and Willow!Willow took her out with a tranq. And then! Wackiness!

 

Willow dons the dominatrix gear and sprouts boobs. It’s amazing what those things can do, isn’t it? They torture the evil Vamp!Willow by putting her in Willow!Willow’s clothes. So Willow!Willow goes to the Bronze and tries to act all tough and dangerous and Vamp!Willow tries to be all sweet and naïve and neither is really successful. Luckily V!W gets the stupid Cordelia, in for her required 2 minute scene. Stupid Cordelia lectures her a bit on boyfriend stealing then lets her out. A delightful chase ensues, ending with the Nancy Boy Wesley holding out a cross while squealing like a girl. V!W, oddly enough, just sort of walks away. I have no idea why. It’s not like crosses actually hurt them anymore, they bat them away like blood without wheatibix in it. But maybe she thought Wes looked anemic or something. That’d be okay.

 

W!W, fairly unsuccessful at being badass, tips Anya off that she’s not V!W and the gang rushes in to save their lady fair. W!W punches Anya out and pulls Buffy off of her evil self. She can’t kill her, for some reason. So they’re going to send her back to her dimension to be evil. And probably kill innocent people. But, you know. Whatever.

 

Here’s where, normally, I’d be a pain and ask all sorts of questions like: did they demand an explanation of Anya? Did they find out about the alternate dimension? If not, why? I assume so, as Xander knew he was a bad ass vampire, but did no one tell anyone that they all killed each other? Did no one feel this was important? Cuz I feel it’s important. I mean, can you imagine the joy Xander would have gotten out of knowing that once, for one glorious moment, he was the undead soul man that took out Angel? Isn’t that something he should know? Because that would have totally blown the yellow crayon speech out of the water.

 

I’m not giving up on you Will. It’s just like that time, in the evil other dimension, when we were fighting and I killed Angel and you—did I mention I killed Angel? And Oz killed you? And I killed Angel? And then you broke that crayon…

 

This just can't get more disturbing.

 



 

 

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