beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah

































season three   >  Band Candy


Snyder forces our hapless heroes and heroines into indentured servitude of the high school sort by forcing them to sell candy bars to send the band somewhere that’s else. This is legal in Sunnydale because the mayor’s evil. Rather than using the tried and true method that all good girl scouts employ (“accidentally” eating them all or leaving them out for ones siblings to find and eat for you, if you’re watching those calories, and thereby forcing your parental units to pony up the cash), our triumphant triad set about unloading their wares. Buffy strong arms Giles into buying some and sticks Joyce with unloading the rest of her inventory, Willow does something unspecified and Xander eats his. Xander likes chocolate.

Um, as much as I’m sure we all love the idea of going all Willy Loman…we’re not in the band

Between sticking her mom with candy duty and fattening Giles up, Buffy’s just trying to have a normal life. She skips out on her friends, she lies to her mother and her watcher and her friends about what she’s doing, the hussy, so she can slip out and see that undead albatross around her neck. That would be Angel. (Remember, this is still season three. Spike doesn’t develop his wings and his penchant for lying heavily over her shoulders like a thick wool blanket on a hot summer day over our souls until 6.) Her friends don’t know he’s alive yet, see. It’s a secret. Shhhhh.


We all know how well secrets work out on this show, don’t we? So we all know pretty much where this is going, right? Not this episode, but you know. Soon.


So for now she’s off with Angel. Not getting horizontal. Because that would be bad. And wrong. And disgusting. And—I think you get it. No, it’s more moping and wishful thinking and delusions of grandeur at this point than hot and sweaty. Do vampires sweat? You wouldn’t think so, but then again you wouldn’t think they could drown either, and we see how that turned out. But I digress.


Buffy gets busted, of course. Joyce is home when Buffy walks in and gives her excuse about being with Giles and then Giles walks around the corner and sort of glares at her in that way that Watcher’s often do when they’re disappointed in your poor decision making and want to convey “you let the world down again so you could go off gallivanting and really, I hope you’re ashamed of yourself” without saying a word. And then Buffy yells at them for smothering her and over-scheduling her and stalks out and then Joyce and Giles, who really just want the best for her, eat chocolate.


The chocolate, as it turns out, is evil. Well, not evil, per se, but used for evil in an entirely too complicated plan of the Mayor’s devising, when really all he had to do was gather the town in a big meeting, go “look, what’s that over there” to distract them just long enough to have Mr. Trick and his cronies run through the crowd, picking up a baby here and there for the sacrifice. But no, he had to do it his way. He had to have Mr. Trick call in Ethan Rayne and then he had to have Ethan make evil chocolate that turns anyone who eats it into their teenage self and then he had to have Snyder use it for the candy sale and then he had to get all of the adults to eat the candy and then…you see how this is complicated, yes? And how there are a lot of factors here that could derail said plan, right? Like, say, what if adults didn’t want to eat the chocolate? What if it was a town of diabetics or they all went macrobiotic? What would he have done then? Have the school band sell brown rice?


I love me some Mayor, seriously, but for someone who has reportedly sold his soul and lived a really long time, you’d think he’d have a better plan than “chocolate”. But I’m no super villain with a working knowledge of the multiple ways to skin a cat, so we’ll assume I don’t know what I’m talking about.

That's why I love this country. You make a good product, and the people will come to you. Of course, a lot of them are gonna die, but, well, that's the other reason I love this country.


The more chocolate an adult eats in this brilliant plan, the more like a teenager they become. Joyce relives her dream of being Juice Newton, Giles’ accent changes to a cocky, sexy swagger (that was for you, SP) and he takes up smoking and doing that thing that really cool people who want to be Fonzy do—he rolls his cigs up in his sleeve. They hang out and listen to music and eventually do it on a police car.


Romance, my friends, is not dead.


Buffy, meanwhile, is running around trying to figure out why everyone’s acting so weird but doesn’t really think about it all that much because her mom gave her the keys to the car. But when she and her bodacious buds get to the Bronze and find that not only have the adults taken it over but are in fact taking off their shirts, she is frightened and appalled and vows to get to the bottom of the wackiness.


Snyder tags along, because he’s cool like dat.


Call me Synder. Just a last name. Like Barbarino. Whoo! I'm stoked! Did you see Mrs. Barton? I think she's wasted. I'm gonna put that on her next performance review because I'm the principal.


Eventually destiny and Buffy figuring out that the chocolate is evil leads them to the chocolate factory, where Buffy and Giles chase Ethan around and Giles very cutely attempts to boss Buffy into hitting Ethan because she’s his Slayer. Ethan’s pretty wussy for a bad guy and gives up that a distraction was needed for sacrifice and Buffy’s all “what sacrifice?” One would think that a sacrifice that needed a distraction so complicated as to give one a migraine must be a pretty complicated sacrifice to pull off. Right?

She whupped you good, huh? Pow-ka-pow. I can do that, too. I took Tae Kwon Do at the Y.

No. Basically, they need babies. Roly poly, puddin’ and pie babies. The Mayor, in his infinite wisdom, decides the best place to get babies, other than the black market, is the hospital. And he thinks, and I gotta say here’s where I start to disagree with the evil mastermind, that it would just be immensely easier and more cost-effective if he put into effect a convoluted plan involving magic and chocolate and an entire crew to work a factory line so that his cronies could just waltz on in to the hospital and walk right out. With babies. Because teenagers are irresponsible, and if the nurses revert back to their teenage years, they will sit at the front desk and watch soaps and not stop anyone, be they blatant vampires or otherwise, from walking in and leaving with babies.


That mayor is one smart cookie. Unlike Willow and Xander, who continue to flirt and play footsie with each other out in the open, but nobody’s ever accused a teenager of being intelligent in love, just like nobody’s ever accused the Mayor of knowing what the hell he’s doing.


Buffy and Giles figure out that the offering’s going to be in the sewers so the gang tags along, including Joyce because Buffy drags her along to keep her tongue out of Giles’ mouth. Down into the sewers they go, the Mayor hops off before Buffy can see him, Joyce and the others save the human sacrifices, and Trick tries to cross fists with Buffy. Sadly, a big phallic symbol pops out of a hole in the wall and Buffy has to torch before she can properly introduce her fists to Trick’s face.


The Mayor thinks Buffy did a swell job, getting rid of a demon he was indebted to, but not grateful enough to cancel his plans of mass destruction. And Buffy. Dear, sweet, naïve Buffy, gets more freedom and is just glad she got to Giles and Joyce before they did anything stupid.




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