beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah








What did you think was gonna happen? What, we were gonna read the newspaper together? Play footsie under the rubble?

season six  >  wrecked


Marti wakes up one morning and realizes that since she's pretty much in charge of a TV show, she can fulfill her life's dream of writing After School Specials! She always loved those things. How they would beat you repeatedly over the head with a Life Lesson. How the main characters plummeted unrealistically to the very depths of despair faster than a Mafia informant with cement boots thrown into the Hudson river. How a life was changed by a Turning Point, in which the Plummeting recipient of the Life Lesson risked the lives of others -- a moment filled with tears, regret, and promises of the future.


Marti smiles, gets her Baseball Bat of Anti-Metaphor from under the bed where she's been keeping it all these years, just waiting for her chance, and writes a script.


SCENE 1: Buffy's Happy Home, soon to be WRECKED by Something Bad.


Tara and Dawn, the Innocents, snuggle to happy cartoons. Little do they know how soon their innocence will be WRECKED.



They soon find that Buffy and Willow both stayed out all night. Something is afoot. Or perhaps ahand.


SCENE 2: Romantic collapsed building of love


Here we recall that Spike and Buffy have had tumultuous, violent sex. So much so that they have caused the building around them to collapse on top of them. This is supposed to tell us that they are collapsing as well. That they are WRECKing their lives, just as they've WRECKed the building.


When did the building fall down?


But instead, we think, woo, sex so good the building came down! Sex so good they didn't even notice the building came down! How we can get ourselves some sex like that?! And with nekkid James Marsters! Fantastic! Go Buffy!


Marti realizes that she's not hitting us hard enough with her bat. She's got to step it up.


SCENE 3: The collapsed building with nekkid Spike. (Redux)


Marti kicks it up a notch. It's bad! It's wrong! Buffy shirked her responsibilities, left Dawn alone. Had sex with a bad vampire. Who she doesn't love. We the audience get the message: Wild sex... nekkid Spike... what was that other stuff about badness again?


Marti: Dammit. I better start hitting you guys with this bat even harder! Don't say I didn't warn you.


SCENE 4: The house of goodness and light. Tara making breakfast for Dawn. Can this happy scene of domestic tranquility be WRECKED? Or will Tara make pancakes in funny shapes, Maybe Buffy and Willow will come home, and they'll all have breakfast together like one big happy family.


What? You mean the title gave it away?


The Amazing Betwitching Twins, aka Willow and Amy, decide to WRECK the lovely morning scene by waltzing in, high from all their witchyness.


Tara: I see how it is. I'm outa here.


Willow: No! Amy's just a rat to me!


Amy: Fine, rub it in.


Tara: Whatever.


Marti decides this scene doesn't WRECK the innocence enough. Bufy walks in.


Dawn: You're all limpy and sore!


Buffy: That's what all night of crazy sex with an evil vampire in a collapsed building can do to you, little sis, so let that be a lesson to you. I'm going to get some sleep. I didn't get much last night, what with the rubble pillow and all that sex. I mean, never mind.


Dawn: My pancakes are burning as a metaphor to my ruined life and faltering parental figures.


Willow: I'm going to get some sleep too. Being in an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch so Melissa Joan Hart could go off to Cancun for a few days takes a lot out of a girl. You might say that I'm WRECKED.


SCENE 5: Willow's Bedroom


Willow, a bigger slacker than even me, tries to use magic to close the blinds, but she finds her magic is all used up.


Willow: Damn that Melissa Joan Hart for making me use up all my magic for her crappy show about snapping your fingers and putting people in cages and stuff. I'm glad we don't do lame stuff like that on my show.


SCENE 6: Magic Box. Xander, Anya, and Buffy are looking for the diamond stealing demon in their books.


Xander notices how all the demons look alike -- and suspiciously like reptiles. Heh.


All these demons are starting to look alike. You got reptiles, reptiles with horns, reptiles with gills, and I'm still finding nothing of the "steal a diamond, kill a guy" variety.


Anya: Where's Willow and her do-all-the-work-for-us magic?


Buffy: In a confusing twist of nonlogic, we both stayed out all night and decided we needed to sleep today, yet oddly she's asleep and I'm here instead. And besides, Marti's realized that Willow's magical ability to find out everything we need instantly and snap her fingers to put any evil monster we come across into a cage has severely limited the plot possibilities, so she's having Willow give all that up.


Xander: Maybe Spike should help us then.


Buffy: What do you mean? You think I'm having sex with him or something? Because I'm not. At least not right this very moment.


SCENE 7: Amy and Willow in slutwear, walking down the street.


Marti comes into the scene:


Marti: You see, audience, Willow used to be all sweet and innocent. Remember how her clothes were from the softer side of Sears? And how in Halloween she had to put a big sheet on over her slutty outfit? Well, look how now she's dressed all slutty on purpose. You see? She's WRECKED. No longer innocent. It's Bad.


Carry on.


Willow and Amy look at her oddly, but their craving for the magic distracts them.


Marti: See. They're addicted. Magic. It's like a drug. I mean, it's not like a drug. It is a drug. Like that Bad heroin. Or, if you prefer, crack. It's still metaphor in that it's a drug that's like another really Bad Addicting drug. See?


Willow: Who's that...?


Amy: Who cares. Let's go get high.


Willow: OK.


SCENE 8: The crackhouse. It's a Bad place. It's looking a little WRECKED.


Willow looks around at all the strung out magic junkies (Magic! It's not just an addiction metaphor anymore!) and the crazy vampire guy who tried to kill Buffy's mom way back when the Watcher's Council thought it would be funny to take her powers away for a while, and says, cool, let's get high!


I tell ya. She's WRECKED.


SCENE 9: Still at the crackhouse.


Marti is suspicious that we didn't react appropriately to the whole Spike/ Buffy sex thing so she chases us around the room with the Drugs Are Bad bat. In case we didn't know.


SCENE 10: Willow back at the Abode de Buffy.


See, Willow is all conflicted. She misses Tara. She's been hanging out with Amy, who's been a rat for a while, so it's just not the same. So, Willow makes a fake Tara out of Tara's clothes and snuggles up. She misses Tara you see. Did I mention that? Oh, sorry. I guess Marti's style was rubbing off on me there for a minute.


SCENE 11: Kitchen of Domestic Tranquility. You might remember it from this morning.


Dawn: I'm making peanut butter and banana quesadillas as contrast to that yummy breakfast Tara was making me the other morning. I have to fend for myself and am small and helpless! Oh look! I've burnt my fingers on made up food. I need some motherly attention. I'm not even sure what the correct ingredients are for quesadillas!


Willow: I'll be your motherly figure! Let's go do innocent fun stuff that has nothing to do with creepy crackhouses! I've learned my lesson and want to return to my earlier innocent and geeky ways.



It's not what you think it is - it's sage.

SCENE 12: Buffy's House of Darkness.


Buffy comes home for once and hears noises in the empty house. She finds Amy all strung out and stealing sage.


Buffy: Amy! What are you doing with sage, that special magic herb that you could get in any grocery store?


Marti: You see, standing in an ordinary grocery line, buying an ordinary kitchen spice just wouldn't have the same desperate addicted druggie vibe.


Understands what? Breaking into someone's house for kitchen spices?


Buffy: Who's that freakish woman?


Amy: I dunno. She followed me and Willow to the cool crackhouse the other day. You know, the crackhouse where Willow is taking Dawn right this very minute?


Audience: But, Willow and Dawn just left! Willow hasn't backslid into her wicked ways and taken Dawn on the crackhouse detour yet! Use spoiler font for that discussion! We haven't seen that part  yet!


Marti: You're being too easily distracted by bad editing from the matter at hand.  Which is Drugs Are Bad. Even when they're magic drugs. Sure, Giles has always used magic for good stuff, but that's different OK?


Buffy goes off to find the crackhouse. Little does she know that crazy vampire that she killed by tricking him into drinking holy water (so clever, that slayer) is there.


SCENE 13: Willow and Dawn are walking to the movie.


Willow: I just can't take it anymore. I must have that special Rack magic!


Marti: You see kids. This is how it happens. You're doing a gateway drug, you know, pot or regular magic and then you step it up to crack or possibly Rack's freakish float on the ceiling spells, and you can get hooked the very first time. You won't be able to go a day without. Let this be a lesson to us all.


We the audience may not understand how such an addiction can creep up so quickly. I mean, Willow was fine before. Doing her magic, abusing the power of it, sure. But she wasn't some strung out junkie looking for a ceiling dance. So, in order to better understand what what Willow is going through, just go play this game a while. See what I mean?


Willow brings Dawn to the crackhouse. Which we already knew since Amy didn't know how to use spoiler font. And bringing Dawn to the magic crackhouse is Bad. Could things get any more WRECKED?


Needless to say, they totally miss the movie.


SCENE 14: Buffy can't find Rack's place so she heads over to Spike. Poor guy, she just uses him for everything. It makes him so sad.


(Wait, is that the right message, Marti? Ow! Stop hitting me! I'll get it right next time, I promise!)


SCENE 15: Willow's being all stoned and freakish. What's going to happen to Dawn??


SCENE 16: Spike and Buffy are Willow and Dawn hunting. It's so romantic.


SCENE 17: The only redeeming part of the script, which makes it well worth the while to slog through the rest of it. Following Willow and Dawn is a:






SCARY FUCKING MONSTER: Willow, you summoned me with your floaty stoner magic. I shall chase you around and snack on Dawn!


Willow: I'm all  ichy and jumpy and stoned and WRECKED.


She steals a car with Magic and she and Dawn speed away. Of course, she's driving with Magic. Willow is all giddy and stuff, up to the point that the car crashes into a bridge.



That car... it's WRECKED. Ow, Marti, stop hitting me. I get it already.


And it's not over yet. The SCARY FUCKING MONSTER is still after Dawn!


Fortunately, Spike and Buffy happen by. But, Buffy, keeping with this season's lack of slayer strength, is powerless to stop it. Willow makes it go all explodey and everyone lives happily ever after.


Except Dawn's all mad, and Buffy's all bitter, and Willow's all sunken to the depths of despair, and Spike's all sweet.


Willow: I realize now that I am WRECKED. I need help. The first step is to admit I have a problem. Help me rid myself of this awful magic drug!


SCENE 18: Back at the Buffy Abode.


Willow: I just wanted to be special. Without magic, I'm just the softer side of Sears without it. I'm so ashamed. I liked feeling all free and being all Bad.


Buffy: That's exactly like how I feel! We're exactly alike!



You see, Buffy is addicted to Bad stuff too! I totally get it! They both have to kick the habit because they're WRECKED and Wrong and Bad.


They have to give it up. No matter how great it feels. Because it hurts people. It'll be hard, but they can do it. And so we learn the lovely After School Special lesson of the week.







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