beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is not gonna' be pretty. We're talkin' violence, strong language, adult content.

season one  >  welcome to the hellmouth

 

An introduction to our heroine Buffy and to her wardrobe, which can best be described as 50's retro "hello, I'm an enormous slut!" Micro mini skirts, knee high white boots, and beehive hairdos. And don't forget that fantastic push-up bra. She couldn't wear her PJs without it.

 

But before all that, we get our first glimpse that Sunnydale isn't just a sleepy beach town as a hot schoolgirl is lured into the empty school by a boy of questionable intent. But before he can make his slimy moves, she stands up for herself and drains him of all of his blood. Serves him right for thinking those unpure thoughts. Wow, this show has a great heroine. She doesn't take any crap from anybody. I can't wait to see what she does next! What? That wasn't the heroine? Well, dammit.

 

After we meet Darla, a minor character who gets dusted by the fourth episode, but who we find out sired Angel, and who comes back later as a human, then a vampire, and who carries Angel's child before dusting herself again so that her child can live, we meet the crew who we'll soon grow to know and love, er, hate, er, love. Something like that.

Buffy

Blonde girl. Pointy stick. Thinks John Tesh is the devil. Spends several madcap episodes hunting him down and finally stakes him.

 

Thinks the show is all about her. As if.

 

 

 

Joyce

Buffy's supportive mother  ("And honey, try not to get kicked out.")

 

She doesn't know about the vampire slaying... yet.

 

 

 

Cordelia

Humble charitable student among students ("If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time.")

 

 

 

Willow

Computer smart girl nerd (no really, that's what she is) with a really bad wardrobe. Enjoy it now though, because one day, you'll miss those fuzzy sweaters and fun hats.

 

 

 

Xander

He doesn't really have a "thing." He's just a normal guy with no superpowers, who pines away for Angel.

 

 

 

Angel

Cryptic stealthy guy of the few words. He shows up at random and makes no sense.

 

 

 

 

 

Giles

Stuffy librarian from England. He's Buffy's watcher, which isn't as creepy as it sounds. He comes from the "Watcher's Council" which has been around forever to help guide the "slayer", the one girl in all the world who does the whole vamp dusting thing.

 

 

 

Also, there's Jesse, but don't worry about remembering his name, because he becomes a vamp snack in fairly short order. He's been friends with Xander and Willow since they were babies, so they're sad for a minute or so. I guess they've read the scripts for the later episodes and realize that if they boo hooed over everybody who died, there wouldn't be much else going on. But anyway, that's next episode I think, so forget I said anything. Feel the suspense. Maybe Jesse will stick around as part of the crew and not end up like one of those Star Trek crewmen in the red shirts who beamed down to the planet with Kirk and Spock so you could worry which of the three would be viciously killed and eaten by the reside life-form and which of them would be seduced by the planet's beautiful women and be tormented with wild and passionate sex. Anything's possible.

 

So. Buffy tries to settle in and be a normal girl but we soon find she's not. Get used to this scenario; it'll be a theme. If you can't get into Buffy wanting to be normal girl, yet not, you might run into some show enjoyment difficulties.

 

See, it's a metaphor. We all want to fit in, and be normal, yet none of us feel... oh never mind.

 

Moving on. Buffy, despite having been miss popularity at her old high school, forgets anything she ever knew about spending time around other girls her age and doesn't understand why Cordy, the prom queen (or so she hopes, but I'm moving way ahead here), and Willow, the computer nerd, can't just get along. She figures she'll be friends with everyone. That life in Sunnydale will be everyone holding hands on a mountain top singing "I want to buy the world a coke" or possibly singing some other song since she's probably too young to remember that one.

 

Skipping ahead. Xander thinks she's cute, yet odd for carrying a wooden stake, Willow is honored that Buffy actually spoke to her, Cordy thinks she has potential with the cool kids, and Buffy skips over to the innocent library to pick up some school books. But the spooky stuffy librarian hands her a cup of coffee, er, book on vampires. She rightfully is freaked at such a weirdo and runs off.

 

But then, the slimy creepy guy from the beginning falls dead out of a locker. And Buffy suddenly is all interested. She sneaks in to go look at the body. And here is our first clue that she's got a thing for the dead. You'll get the joke a few episodes down the road, don't worry. She notices holes in the guy's neck.

 

Oh come on! Stake through the heart. A little sunlight. It's like falling off a log.

 

Next thing ya know, she's running back to the creepy librarian. Turns out (you're shocked, I know; well, unless you read the title of the show) that she's a vampire slayer. And not just any vampire slayer either. The vampire slayer. The one girl in all the world with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, blah blah evil isn't just a happy dream.

 

Xander says cool -- delusional girl. Maybe she'll be deluded into liking me.

 

 

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

We find out that Sunnydale's on a Hellmouth (the episode title make sense now? Clever, huh.) and every creature from Giles' Time-Life series is there. Goody.

 

Bring on creepy underground vampire master guy. Bring on ugly vamp Luke.

 

Bring on Angel. He babbles about some Harvest thing and about how he thought Buffy would be taller and about how he's a friend but not hers and he makes no sense so she quite rightly never speaks to that loser weirdo again. Or not.

 

Blah blah, Bronze. Blah blah Willow taken by vamp. Jesse too. Buffy and Xander (here he comes to save the day!) try to rescue them. They manage to rescue Willow, because someone has to turn into an evil lesbian witch later. But I digress. What do you think happened to Jesse? Yeah, me too. I'm sure he's fine.

 

 

 

 

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