beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah
season two > reptile boy
This episode opens with Xander and Buffy braiding Willow's hair. They're watching a Hindi soap opera and thinking of bringing tea bags to the bronze and asking for hot water. Why Cordy hasn't invited them into the cool kid fold yet is beyond me. Of course, my idea of a great night is when ST and I sit around and drink wine, watch Buffy DVDs, and think up new articles for this site, so Cordy probably wouldn't be inviting me anywhere either.
She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins, but then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have nowhere to put their big maypole... fish thing.
And just when you think things can't get any more exciting, we see creepy guys in hoods chasing a girl! Down a hill! Into a cemetery! Yeah, I know things didn't actually get more exciting, but I thought possibly the exclamation marks would make it seem that way. No? Oh well, I tried.
So, yeah, there's whole boring chase scene, and the girl's all scared. You know, I bet it would be more exciting if it had been a car chase. Let's try it! This mustang comes roaring over the hill, with a porsche screeching along close behind. The mustang hits a barrel of gas that happened to by lying around and it explodes in a fiery ball of flame! The porsche easily jumps the flames and suddenly, a shotgun appears out the window. Someone shoots out the mustang's tires! The mustang spins out of control and crashed into a mausoleum! Hooded guys race out of the porsche and pull the girl from the twisted metal that was once her ticket to freedom. Man, this show is exciting.
At some point, we realize that the hooded creatures are actually college guys, and not demons or anything, so it's extra creepy. Or something. In any case, I could have told her to run in a direction other than that of a cemetery, but she didn't ask me, so what can I do really. The guys round her up and take her back to what I guess is their fraternity house, and that according to Greenwalt's commentary on the DVDs was an actual location shoot somewhere of a real house, but when I originally saw this episode, I thought it was the high school. I was all confused because I didn't know if it was supposed to be the high school, or if we were supposed to think it was some other place. Huh. So much for the big bucks on that location.
Next we see Cordelia practicing her fake laugh. She thinks the secret to winning over a guy is laughing at everything he says. I do that too! "You're going to help me with the laundry later?" Hahahahahaha. "You're not going to gamble that much when you go to Vegas?" Hahahahaha. "You think that Britney has a nice body?" Hahaverybitterha. Oh? That's not what Cordelia meant? Huh.
Buffy is telling Willow about her hot dream about Angel. In today's edition of Buffy and Angel, Are They On Or Off Or What Today, Buffy acts like there is no relationship, remembers that he's a vampire, but is still all googly-eyed and dreamy. Make a note of today's edition. There will be a quiz later.
Also note that Buffy chooses today to wear her fabulous black bra/white lace shirt combination.
It's not a date, it's a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but...
Then Giles and Buffy do the thing where he tells her she needs practice with the fighting and she easily takes him with some maneuver. Don't worry, if you missed it in this episode, just wait for the next one. Or really, just wait until later this episode. And then he scolds her about not being ready while living on the mouth of hell. At least we didn't have to hear again about all Buffy wants is to be a normal girl, and do normal girl things, and be sixteen and stuff. Wait. Never mind.
I should probably stop here and mention that although season two is possibly my favorite season, Reptile boy is one of my least favorite episodes. Also Go Fish. Now, lest you think that I am simply averse to reptilian/amphibian-related episodes, I should point out that if that were the case, I'd have to put most episodes in my dislike column. I liked Graduation Day, big talking snake not withstanding. I even liked Bargaining if I forget about Willow just so happening to have a honkin' snake in her stomach that was ready to come out. So, it is possible for me to like the episode, in spite of disliking the snake parts, but this episode just doesn't do it for me even before we see the guy in the badly done snake suit, strung up on wires with the teeny tiny mouth that couldn't possibly munch on a whole person.
Anyway, back to My So Called Can't Have a Normal Life. Buffy blows off Giles. Again. The gang watches as Cordy chats it up with her new college boyfriend who's pulled up in his car. When will high school girls ever learn? I did the same in high school, and I'm sure at high schools across the world, girls are doing anything they can to get the college guys to like them. I consider it my duty to let any high school girls reading this know: these college guys are jerks. Even if they don't want to feed you to a giant snake to further their careers and keep good beer on tap at the fraternity house, they aren't worth it. Really. They are immature boys who can't get college girls to go out with them. File them under loser and then throw away the file. This will save you time, heartbreak, and potential confrontations with snake demons. No need to thank me. Your happiness is my reward.
The frat boys are playing good frat boy/bad frat boy, only it's more like swarmy, sweet-talking con boy/obnoxious and obvious jerk. Buffy falls for it. You'd think she'd learn from her mistakes here and not be fooled by Parker later.
Didn't we just have a Giles-thinks-Buffy-isn't-ready-and-yet-she-easily-takes-him scene in the episode? Yes? OK, we'll skip this one then.
Instead, we'll head over to another season two staple: Buffy and Angel: What the Hell.
Scene: Cemetery, night (obviously, as to ensure Angel does not burn to a crisp)
Angel: To remind you and everyone that I'm actually a vampire, and to make me seem all creepy, I should mention that I can smell blood on the bracelet you just found.
Buffy: Well, I figured since Giles has been taking jewelry from the dead, I might as well get what I can while he's not here. Also, ewww.
Buffy (or possibly Vaughn): I wish I could look at you in public. But, sadly we can meet only in cemeteries to talk about blood.
Angel: Perhaps we could one day share a drink. A non-blood drink, I mean.
Buffy: A date! You're asking me on a date!
Angel: Hello? No, I am after all a vampire. I'm merely being confusing and obtuse.
Buffy: Since I'm been all lovey-dovey already in this conversation, I guess it's time for BitchyBuffy. I like to mix things up by going back and forth. So get the hell away from me.
Angel: Fine! After all, we have coffee, next thing you know, it'll be sex, and who knows, you could cause me to lose my soul or something.
Buffy: Great. Well, you are such a terrible kisser than when you kiss me I wish I were dead. Watch out or I might stab you and send you to hell.
It's a very romantic scene.
But, the conflict spurs Buffy to agree to go with Cordelia to a frat party.
Cut to said frat house where the guys are hazing a new guy by carving up his chest with a sword and chanting some cult stuff. Also, dumb girl who ran into the cemetery and lost her bracelet is all chained up. Do all fraternities have something weird hidden in the basement or what?
Surely it's good that Buffy's going to the party then. She can stop the evil! It's what she does best. I mean, unless this is one of those nights she decides that she should be a Normal Girl rather than a evil-fighting superhero and is all rebellious and drinks the bad alcohol or something.
But no matter what, she wouldn't lie to Giles, right? Even to do Normal Girl stuff?
So, right. She lies to Giles when he tells her she should patrol and heads out to party instead. Xander and Willow are silent accomplices to the deception. I hope Buffy gets what she deserves from all this. Like maybe she'll be forced to do battle with a guy in a fake-looking snake outfit. That would be suitable punishment, I think.
Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy.
So, Buffy's off to party with Cordelia, and Xander is sneaking along behind them, to either keep his eye on Buffy or possibly catch an orgy.
I'll sum up the party so you don't have to relive it. Xander and Buffy keep hilariously *cough* near-missing each other. Tom does his swarmy act and Buffy once again buys it. Buffy then decides fuck it and downs her drink. Xander puts on a bra and a wig. And also a skirt. He also downs a few drinks.
Meanwhile, Giles and Willow are neither downing drinks nor dressing in wigs and large bras.
Buffy passes out, either because she's a lightweight or they drugged her drink, and we find out that Tom isn't the nice and sweet guy we thought! He wants to sacrifice Buffy and Cordy to the demon whom he worships! Oh, wait, we didn't really ever think he was sweet and nice, did we?
Giles and Willow call Angel and they all figure out that Buffy is at the fraternity house, which contains potential kidnapping killers. Xander wanders around in a skirt. The frat boys chain the girls up in the basement and start their ritual to the power tool demon.
Seriously, this is one of those times when the evil creature should have remained off-camera.
Xander meets up with the rest of them outside the frat house. Xander is still wearing lipstick. The frat guys say things like "feed, dark lord!" The dark lord has he teeniest mouth I've ever seen. He's all, "cut them up into bite-size chunks, you big dolts!"
Buffy breaks her chains, everyone else rushes in, Buffy whacks the hell outa snake-y, and Cordy narrowly escapes being a yummy snack.
And then we get Today's Lesson:
"I told one lie, I had one drink."
"Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture."
And then Giles realizes that he has a lesson to learn too. Maybe he should let her be a Normal Girl every so often. Before she, you know, dies again or something.
And Cordy finally learns the real lesson of the day. College boys only give you heartache and ritual sacrifice. Better off without 'em.
But no episode is complete without another installment of the Buffy and Angel: Get The Hell Over Yourselves Already chronicles.
Angel: Forget everything I said before. We should have that non-blood drink.
Buffy: Let me check my mood calendar. Ah, flirty and coy. Gotcha. Maybe we should have that drink. Unless the next time we meet the conflict and pain series is scheduled. But I think we may have some time before that kicks in.
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