beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe we should ask that crazy man with the big old knife.

season two  >  inca mummy girl

 

Xander has a way of attracting some interesting women. Really, he does. Truly. This time, it's a long-dead Incan virgin, who was sacrificed, put in a box, and carted around the world as an exhibit.

 

It does not go well.

 

But how does Xander happen to meet the mummy girl, with lips so hot they suck the life right out of you? Well, she came to Sunnydale as a foreign exchange student, of course. She didn't realize it at the time. She thought she was coming as a museum exhibit. She laid there in her coffin, posing as a corpse. She had the routine down; she'd done it for hundreds of years. She always hoped that people would stop and chat so she could find out the latest gossip. What movies were good. What books people recommended. In case she ever managed to get out and see the world herself.

 

And then along comes Rodney Munson, the Red Shirt of the week. Oh Red Shirt, how we love you. You come into our lives so fleetingly. We never have to worry about commitment. You act stupid. We mock you. You die. We mourn, but not long enough to cause our mascara to run. You bring us the perfect relationship.

 

This week, Mr. Red Shirt decides that grave robbing is cool, and sets his sights on the cursed plate that seals the poor shriveled girl to her fate. The corpse princess, so grateful that he broke the seal, rewards with him with a sweet, long life-sucking kiss.

 

The now non-shriveled up princess, now freed from her tomb, goes in search of her one true love. Those words he said were so romantic. He had her at "and she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy". Oh that Xander. He gets all the girls.

 

The next day, the gang's all worried because Red Shirt never went home last night. Guys! He's Red Shirt! Of course he never made it home! They consider the possibility that being a bad seed and all, he's just out causing trouble, but then they realize it's far more likely that the mummy came to life and killed him. They check out the museum, and sure enough! They also get attacked by some big scary guy with a knife who runs off when he sees who's in the coffin. Hint: it's not the princess.

 

Apparently, he was mummy girl's babysitter and he figured that since all she did for hundreds of years at a time was lay there and be all corpsey, that he could sneak out and watch the new Star Wars movie. As if sitting through that thing wasn't enough, now he's lost the shriveled-up corpse too.

 

Only, she's not so corpsey anymore. Apparently, she was able to suck the life right out of Red Shirt and now she's all lifey! And coincidentally, she ends up at the bus station, where Buffy's foreign exchange student is arriving. So, she sucks the life out of him too and takes over his identity.

 

First of all, Buffy's foreign exchange student is arriving by bus? Seriously? Also, the mummy girl just so happened to meet up with him? And he just so happened to have a name that could fit either a boy or a girl? And it just so happens that both the mummy and the student are from South America? And--? OK, I'm done. We'll just pretend this is perfectly logical.

 

We're in the crime club. Which is kinda like the chess club, only with crime, and, um... no chess.

 

Anyway, Buffy brings "Ampata", aka corpse girl, back to her house. Amata speaks pretty good English, she since listened in all those gossip sessions over her coffin. Since she's not strictly a normal human girl, she and Xander obviously hit it off right away. Willow is not so much happy.

 

And then Ampata tells Buffy how she just wants to have a normal life. Is that so much to ask? You're not tired of this theme, right? Because we have several seasons to go.

 

One thing one could never possibly get tired of is Willow's hat fetish. That girl used to love her some hats. I miss those hats.

 

So, apparently, there's this big dance, where everyone is supposed to dress culturally. It's to welcome foreign exchange students, see? So, to show them America, everyone is going to dress as though they're not in America. And instead, dress in ways they guess might represent other cultures. Are those who are there from other cultures going to dress the way they guess America should be represented?

 

Anyway, I'm all excited about what everyone will dress as. It's bound to be kooky fun!

 

Buffy brings Amata to meet Giles and he asks her to translate the seal. She tells them that it talks about how the mummy princess has this bodyguard that ensures she's not disturbed. Except when he goes to see Star Wars and lets the Red Shirt break the damn seal. So yay, let's party! Only she leaves off that last part.

 

Then she goes off with Xander to learn how to stuff a whole twinkie in her mouth. And no, that was not a euphemism. Nor was it a joke I made up for this recap. It's truly the next scene. Just more romantic gestures from Xander.

 

Good, huh? And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce. So it doesn't leave you with that heavy... food feeling in your stomach.

 

This touching scene, however, is abruptly ruined by Knife Guy trying to kill Xander. Then he sees Ampata and is all surprised: "It is you!", which made no sense to me, because I figured he was attacking Xander expressly because he was hanging with the runaway princess. But whatever. Knife Guy think that Xander has the seal for some reason.

 

Xander and Ampata manage to escape knife guy, so his bodyguard abilities are not exactly impressing me at this point.

 

They head back to tell Giles about Knife Guy and Ampata says the only thing to do is destroy the seal. She only wants to live! Be a normal girl! Why can't anyone understand that?

 

Xander cheers her up by inviting her to the dance. She says she'll go and assures him she's not a preying mantis, although she is a 500 year old corpse who sucks the life out of guys by kissing them. Except she leaves off the 500 years old part. And the corpse part. And also the life-sucking part.

 

That's great! You're not a praying mantis, are you?

 

She goes in to the bathroom to freshen up her lipstick and sees Knife Guy. She wants to live; he tells her she's the Chosen One. She says "Oh! I know this one! Being the virgin sacrifice entails certain duh, sacrifices, blah, blah, bity blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone." She tells him she's in love and then she kisses him. Wait, she loves the bodyguard? I thought she loved Xander! Oh. Right. Kissing is bad here. Not full of love.

 

In the next scene, Ampata laments to Buffy that she has no lipstick. So, what, she lost the lipstick she had in the previous scene during the confusion of the whole murder incident?

 

Next we get Ampata's story about a chosen girl, only she could save her people, all she wanted was a normal life, as Ampata tries to keep Buffy from opening her trunk and learning the truth about how she's not a normal girl and Buffy tries to keep Ampata from opening her drawer and finding out that she's not a normal girl. Oh, the irony.

 

Xander picks up Ampata for the dance. He's dressed as a cowboy. Truly, we should have known then that Joss was thinking cowboys for his next series. But could we have foreseen "in space"?

 

Meanwhile, back at the dance, Willow is dressed as an eskimo. Xander think she looks "snug", but Oz (oh Oz! Come back!) thinks she might be the girl for him. If she's into boys, that is.

 

As Xander and Ampata near the kissage stage, Giles and Buffy realize that Ampata's the shrively corpse. They race to get to the dance before the kissing and how exactly they knew she has the kiss of death I cannot say. Buffy's the slayer you know. She just knows things.

 

But, then Ampata goes after Jonathan! Not Jonathan! He's so sweet and good and nice and would never ever do anything bad to anyone!

 

Xander interrupts them and although Ampata luuuurves Xander, she doesn't love him enough to sacrifice herself and die. She hasn't really known him that long after all, so if she has to kill him to stay alive, well, then so be it. She breaks off before she kills him all the way, but after she gains a little bit of life back in her. However, she's not necessarily living happily ever after as she senses the seal is getting put back together.

 

She rushes off to the museum after Giles. Everyone rushes after her. Buffy and Ampata have the We'll Never Be Normal Girls fight. Ampata tries to kiss Willow, who's all, hmm... girl kissage might not be half bad. And I'm never getting Xander anyway, so...

 

 

Xander jumps in and offers to sacrifice himself to save Willow. No super powers, no special skills, just courage and selflessness. Thankfully, Ampata doesn't get a chance for the kissage as she gets all mummified and her head gets broken off. Hard to kiss without any lips, that's the lesson of this episode.

 

Later, Buffy is all sympathetic to Ampata, but Xander reminds her that she did willingly give up her life. And for once, Buffy remembers that Xander is the one who saved her.

 

Yeah, but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.

 

Oh Xander. What did they do to your character? Will we get the real you back in season 7?

 

 

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