beginning | blinding torment | boils | lies | making me bitter | evil compounds evil | blah blah bity blah

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you, Fritz, for making us all sound like crazy people.

season one  >  i robot you jane

 

First of all, just ponder that title for a minute. Then consider that writers, who are trained in the art of using words, and who get paid many dollars to do just that, thought that title was the best they could do.

 

It's a sign of things to come for this episode.

 

We start out in 1418. Moloch, a creepy "I just need love" demon clearly enjoys snapping necks. So do the ME writers, so they should get along great! A priest does a spell that traps Moloch in a book. The book was blank one minute; now it's all full. Trapping a demon in a book? Seriously? Do we ever see anyone do this again after this episode? No, because it's lame. What does the book say, anyway? Did it turn into Pet Semetary?

 

Blah, blah, back in the library, and for some reason, Ms. Calendar has the kids scanning old books into the computer. And we learn that Giles smuggles in his probably not really allowed in a school of young minds creepy occult books with the regular books, kind of like when you hide Cuban cigars in a box of candy bars from Canada, or some bales of cocaine on a pleasure boat from Columbia. How clever.

 

Anyway, we learn that the computer science students at Sunnydale have been too long out of the sun. No, they're not vampires, just computer geeks. No wait, computer nerds. Computer geeks are kind of hot. These guys clearly are not.

 

Those boys aren't sparklingly normal as it is.

 

Willow scans the Moloch book and he jumps out the book, into the computer. Did I mention how lame this storyline is? Scanning the words put him in the computer? And not just the computer, but into the whole Internet. And he can speak by causing words to appear right on the screen, any screen. I guess he just senses where the people are who he wants to talk to. At one point, he controls survelliance cameras. So they must be connected to the Internet too! Everything is connected to the Internet! I think I'll just send a message upstairs to my coffee maker and tell it to deliver a new cup of coffee to me through my keyboard!

 

So, Willow starts an online romance with Moloch the corrupter. She really fell for the "Where am I" line that he flashed on the screen. Being a computer genius, surely she did not think it odd at all. Maybe she had AIM and he pretended to message her accidentally and then started talking to her. Seriously though, how exactly did she "meet" him online without her thinking it was bizarre? Did I mention that this storyline is lame?

 

So, continuing a theme for this show, Willow feels all insecure, so she falls for this guy who thinks she's all wonderful. Buffy thinks talking to someone you met on the Internet is freakish, and really, can you blame her? The Internet is a vast wilderness of scary things, and a place you should stay far far away from. Which I'm sure you already know. What? You say you're on the Internet right now! Ack! Run while you still have time! Oh wait, if you're on the Internet, then you are one of the scary things, so I suppose you fit right in! Carry on.

 

Anyway, Buffy and Xander decide that clearly, Malcolm (his witty nickname; I guess he figured "Moloch" would give away his escaped demon from an ancient book status) is a circus freak, and they must put a stop to his relationship with Willow. Let this be a lesson to you. People you meet on the Internet? Circus freaks, every last one of them.

 

Willow, axe murdered by a circus freak!

 

Buffy thinks the computer nerds are also acting more, uh, nerdy than normal (I don't know, I just watch the show, OK?) so she follows one of them to this computer warehouse place. Moloch of course can see Buffy through another security camera. And he wants the nerds to to kill her for being all meddling. It makes my head hurt, truly.

 

 

 

 

 

"I find the streetwalker look so classy."

 

 

 

Should I mention that randomly, computer files are getting all screwy? Like Moloch is a virus that's infecting everything? Because it really doesn't build up any suspense and it's nothing very earth-shattering. No? Good.

 

Computer Nerd A tries to kill Buffy by electrocution, but then warns her at the last minute. I guess he was far enough away from a computer that he wasn't so much under Moloch's spell, except Moloch is in the Internet, and the Internet is everywhere, even in the girl's locker room, so maybe he just had a moment of will, or something.

 

Of course, Moloch isn't too happy about that (he must have been watching from a security camera in the girl's showers or something) and has the other computer nerd kill him. Are you scared of people on the Internet yet?

 

Giles figures out that Willow scanned the book and released Moloch into every computer connected by modem! And security cameras! And Buffy meets Willow's new online boyfriend. Then they all exposition about how Moloch could destroy the world with control over all the computers, and I guess we're supposed to be all scared of another pending apocolypse or something, but really, all Moloch's done so far is rewrite someone's term paper, and that's just striking fear in nobody's heart.

 

Form a circle? But there's only two of us. That's really more of a line.

 

Giles decides to get Ms. Calendar to help him get Moloch back in the book, since he can't really figure out the computer on his own. He figures she'll freak out, but she already knows about Moloch! Giles is all, how is it that a computer science teacher knows about an ancient demon? She, however, does not say, "how is it that a snobby stiff librarian is hip on the occult? Because, well, I don't know why. I guess it's because the characters are echoing our surprise, rather than their own. Or possibly because as a gypsy sent to watch Angel, she already knew about the whole Watcher thing. Did I mention that this episode is lame?

 

So, the computer nerd who's still alive brings Willow to the computer warehouse where Moloch is. Who now has a robot body. That looks just like his real body before he got trapped in the book. And now he's a robot demon. Truly, highly paid writers sat around and said, "a robot demon! Fantastic!"

 

Moloch is all, Willow, my online crush! Come be with me!" She's all, ewww, you're a computer robot. I don't think so. Again, the lesson, I think, is clear. If you have AIM on your computer, delete it right now. You could be next!

 

Giles and Ms. Calendar try to cast the get-back-in-the-book spell as Buffy is fighting to keep Willow from becoming the, uh, Jane in the episode title, I guess.

 

Willow and Buffy beat up the robot demon and Giles and Ms. Calendar cast the computer spell. Only the get-back-in-the-book spell doesn't send Moloch back to the book. It just sends him out of the Internet. It's a good thing Jenny was there, and Giles didn't try this alone. She must have done a google search for a new, improved get-out-out-the-Internet spell instead and done a quick spell switch on him. She seems perplexed that he's not in the book, but I'm going to pretend that was all an act to keep Giles from guessing that she messed with his spell, rather than just believe that the spell itself changed with the times and no longer worked to trap Moloch back in his book prison. Lalala, watch me pretend this scene makes sense! As if a scene with a robot demon could do anything but make sense.

 

In any case, Moloch is forced out of the Internet, and also, the security cameras, and is trapped in his robot body. That's not so bad. Being a robot demon is cool! Only, without the power of the bunny inside, I mean the power of the Internet behind him, Moloch can't stand up against his Willow, ex-girlfriend with a fire extinguisher club. Let this be a lesson to us all about online crushes.

 

So, Moloch's robot body explodes, he, well, no one ever really says where he goes or if he's dead, how that exactly killed him, Giles and Jenny just wander off making googly eyes at each other, forgetting all about the fact that they're little spell didn't work out quite like they planned and a robot demon could still be terrorizing the earth. But Moloch seems to have disappeared with his robot body, so the world won't end after all. What a relief.

 

 

 

The one boy that's really liked me and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?

 

 

Buffy, Willow, and Xander decide that they'll never have normal relationships, but Ms. Calendar and Giles are thinking maybe they can. Ah, maybe it'll work out for those two and they'll live happily ever after. Jenny could be Buffy's second mom, in case hers ever, you know, dies or something.

 

 

 

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